Guilt

Things I'm currently feeling guilty about:

1) Weaning C.

When I first started weaning him, he was happily nursing all day when I was not at work. (I was not pumping on those days, so I'm not sure how much he was actually getting, but I was letting him lead the way. If we were out & about, he didn't ask for it. But at home, he would.) First I weaned him to strictly wake-up, before nap, and before bed. On days I was working, he'd nurse as soon as I got home and then bedtime. Then I stopped letting him nurse before the nap or when I got home from work, so it was only wake-up and bedtime. He would ask, and I would re-direct him. He never threw a tantrum or even cried over it, but I was clearly denying him something he wanted. When I still didn't get my period, I weaned him to bedtime only. I did this one week when DH was out of town. I had to get C up in the morning, get him dressed/fed, and drop him at early-care at his preschool before I headed to work -- very different from our then regular routine, which consisted of me nursing and leaving for work and then Daddy getting him dressed, breakfast, and doing the drop-off. I figured a super-busy week was the best time -- we just went out the door instead of nursing. We did that 3 days in a row. On the 4th day, I did not have to go to work so he did not have early-care. He asked for "mommy milk," but I just said "you don't need that right now, how about a milk cup?" On the 5th day, he woke up and asked for a milk cup. He asked intermittently for "mommy milk" a few mornings for a few weeks, but pretty much was over it.

I weaned him to get pregnant. I did not let him decide when/where/how to wean. I decided it for him, for this potential maybe-baby. And then I got pregnant, and my milk basically dried up, and he stopped nursing at bedtime too. So we stopped nursing altogether before 22 months, when I had always hoped to nurse him til 2yo or when he decided he was done. I know that in the end, he decided when to stop completely. That was totally on his terms -- I stopped offering, and then he stopped asking. But the rest of it was my terms.

I feel a lot of guilt at weaning him early to get pregnant again. And now I don't even have another pregnancy/baby to show for it.

2) Being careless with my pregnancy.

My OB in NYC last time told me that I was "allowed" to do a lot of things I still abstained from. I never had a glass of wine. I never ate sushi, or lox, or cold cuts. Never had runny eggs. Although she said it was fine, my gut told me to stay away. DH took over the litter. We did everything "by the book."

This time, I figured it wasn't a big deal (and my midwife confirmed that). I had sushi & red wine a week after my BFP to celebrate my 35th birthday. In fact, I had sushi a few times, as well as lox and runny eggs. I had a glass of wine on a couple of occasions. I changed the litter box -- although it's one designed so that I don't have to touch the actual litter and my cats do not go outdoors. Still. I was careless.

What if it was an infection that ended the pregnancy? What if it it was toxo or listeria or salmonella, something I could have prevented?

3) Not taking my own Doppler skills seriously.

I never had trouble finding C's heartbeat with my Doppler. Early on with this pregnancy, I was very accurate with it as well -- from 8.4w to 14.5w. The last time I found the HB at home was the morning of my last midwife appointment, and she found it easily as well.

Why didn't I call or go to the ED or something when I stopped being able to find the heartbeat at home? I attributed it to the anterior placenta, but clearly that wasn't the case. Could we have saved the pregnancy? No, it was already over. But I could have saved myself several weeks of thinking/believing/telling that I was pregnant.