Things I'm currently feeling guilty about:
1) Weaning C.
When I first started weaning him, he was happily nursing all day when I was not at work. (I was not pumping on those days, so I'm not sure how much he was actually getting, but I was letting him lead the way. If we were out & about, he didn't ask for it. But at home, he would.) First I weaned him to strictly wake-up, before nap, and before bed. On days I was working, he'd nurse as soon as I got home and then bedtime. Then I stopped letting him nurse before the nap or when I got home from work, so it was only wake-up and bedtime. He would ask, and I would re-direct him. He never threw a tantrum or even cried over it, but I was clearly denying him something he wanted. When I still didn't get my period, I weaned him to bedtime only. I did this one week when DH was out of town. I had to get C up in the morning, get him dressed/fed, and drop him at early-care at his preschool before I headed to work -- very different from our then regular routine, which consisted of me nursing and leaving for work and then Daddy getting him dressed, breakfast, and doing the drop-off. I figured a super-busy week was the best time -- we just went out the door instead of nursing. We did that 3 days in a row. On the 4th day, I did not have to go to work so he did not have early-care. He asked for "mommy milk," but I just said "you don't need that right now, how about a milk cup?" On the 5th day, he woke up and asked for a milk cup. He asked intermittently for "mommy milk" a few mornings for a few weeks, but pretty much was over it.
I weaned him to get pregnant. I did not let him decide when/where/how to wean. I decided it for him, for this potential maybe-baby. And then I got pregnant, and my milk basically dried up, and he stopped nursing at bedtime too. So we stopped nursing altogether before 22 months, when I had always hoped to nurse him til 2yo or when he decided he was done. I know that in the end, he decided when to stop completely. That was totally on his terms -- I stopped offering, and then he stopped asking. But the rest of it was my terms.
I feel a lot of guilt at weaning him early to get pregnant again. And now I don't even have another pregnancy/baby to show for it.
2) Being careless with my pregnancy.
My OB in NYC last time told me that I was "allowed" to do a lot of things I still abstained from. I never had a glass of wine. I never ate sushi, or lox, or cold cuts. Never had runny eggs. Although she said it was fine, my gut told me to stay away. DH took over the litter. We did everything "by the book."
This time, I figured it wasn't a big deal (and my midwife confirmed that). I had sushi & red wine a week after my BFP to celebrate my 35th birthday. In fact, I had sushi a few times, as well as lox and runny eggs. I had a glass of wine on a couple of occasions. I changed the litter box -- although it's one designed so that I don't have to touch the actual litter and my cats do not go outdoors. Still. I was careless.
What if it was an infection that ended the pregnancy? What if it it was toxo or listeria or salmonella, something I could have prevented?
3) Not taking my own Doppler skills seriously.
I never had trouble finding C's heartbeat with my Doppler. Early on with this pregnancy, I was very accurate with it as well -- from 8.4w to 14.5w. The last time I found the HB at home was the morning of my last midwife appointment, and she found it easily as well.
Why didn't I call or go to the ED or something when I stopped being able to find the heartbeat at home? I attributed it to the anterior placenta, but clearly that wasn't the case. Could we have saved the pregnancy? No, it was already over. But I could have saved myself several weeks of thinking/believing/telling that I was pregnant.
Monday, April 20, 2015
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
25 months later.....
It's been 25 months since my last post on this blog. A lot has happened since then.
Since then, I gave birth to the most amazing little man, who will turn 2yo one month from today. Man, how did that happen already? Quick birth story: I went into labor on my due date, mild contractions every 10-15 minutes during the day, then my water broke. I labored at home another couple hours, then headed to the hospital and got my epidural about 2 hours later....and was only 2cm. Started on Pitocin, the little one didn't tolerate high doses of it, and 12 hours later I was only 4cm. Ended up with a c-section for failure to progress, he was sunny side-up, never dropped into my pelvis, and was bigger than expected for my small frame (8lbs 5oz).
We left NYC when the little guy was 2 months old. We spent 2 months living with my Mom, then moved into an apartment in Atlanta. I went back to work when he was 6.5 months old, at a terrible job with a horrible boss, and left there after 5 months (long story for another post). A month later, I started at a great job -- I work three days/week, office hours only (no hospital rounds), and it's straight salary so no pressure to see more patients or bill for extra things.
Curly is absolutely a dream. He is happy nearly all the time -- unless he's hungry or tired, like most toddlers. His language development is incredible -- this morning, for instance, he pointed out the tree/animals on his wall over his crib and informed me that "Mommy put on owl stickers on wall." He also asked that "Mommy put on monkey t-shirt on C." He understands absolutely everything, and cracks us up daily -- often intentionally. He's a great sleeper, and happily plays in his crib after he wakes up in the mornings. He's typically a great eater, some days better than others though. (He never took to purees so got table food very early, and eats what we eat. I refuse to make special meals for him.) He loves school, loves to read, loves music and going to music class, and can entertain himself with his toys. He's had a few colds here and there, but has never been truly sick and his worst injury has been a tooth getting slightly pushed back from a fall. He has an amazing memory -- last week he reminded me that "black goat jumped, scared C at zoo," something that happened on January 1st. He gives the best hugs and happily cuddles with me at bedtime.
Figuring we'd hit the jackpot with #1, we decided to start trying for #2 last summer. I waited until after we had moved from an apartment into our rental home to stop the mini-pill; I've known so many people to get pregnant the first month with #2 that I wanted to be fully prepared if that happened. I didn't get PPAF even at that point, and C was still nursing 3-4x/day, so I started the process of weaning him (while taking HPT's weekly just in case and using my CBFM as per directions I found for preventing with BFing -- clearly my body was trying, as I'd have weeks of EWCM at a time, but nothing was happening). First I weaned him down to twice a day, only at waking & bedtime. Still nothing. So finally in November, I weaned him to bedtime only. Two weeks later, on Thanksgiving Day, AF finally arrived. I continued using the CBFM and never got a "peak," but had clear fertile signs around CD18-23, and we happened to be on vacation.
A week after we got back from vacation, I was complaining to DH that I felt nauseous. He said "probably because you are pregnant," but I brushed him off. The next day, though, I felt the same way so POAS and at 10dpo in the evening, got a faint positive! Holy cow, I was shocked!! Of course I kept POAS every other day, making sure the lines got darker. They did. I called the midwife practice where I had an appointment a few weeks later to discuss fertility issues (having turned 35yo and officially TTC for 6 months), and switched the appointment to a dating scan at what I figured was 7 weeks.
We went for that scan. Waiting about 3 hours b/c the technician was running seriously late (thank goodness for a playroom in the waiting room). They found a gestational sac that measured accurately, 6w5d, but no fetal pole. Had labs sent and was prepared for the worst. Beta was high (around 18K), progesterone around 15, but when I finally spoke to the OB a few days later she recommended against supplementing since studies indicate that low progesterone is the result of a non-viable pregnancy, not the cause. Went in a week later for repeat scan, and there was the heartbeat! Measuring a couple days behind at 7w2d. Had a 3rd scan with my "new OB" appointment two weeks later, and measured 9w5d, right on track. Heard the heartbeat regularly at home by that point.
We were ecstatic. Started telling some family members, but no one beyond that. At 13w5d, had the NT scan and everything looked perfect, measuring a few days ahead, and I got Materniti21 results the following day -- all normal. We started telling our friends, cousins, and co-workers. Baby #2 would be here in September! Despite the slow start, everything looked good and we were thrilled.
I had been wanting to post on this blog for some time. Mainly to record my symptoms, so I would have a frame of reference for next time. Unlike my pregnancy with Curly, this time during the first trimester I felt nausea AFTER I ate. So I'd eat a small breakfast, something light for lunch, and then basically nothing else the rest of the day. I ended up losing 10lbs during the first trimester, which was fine since I had never fully lost the baby weight from C. I was still considered "obese" and had to do an early 1hour GTT b/c of it; the midwife was actually happy with the weight loss. I was of course tired, and between the fatigue and the nausea I was often in bed right after C went to sleep. I also had crazy diarrhea, often rushing to the bathroom in the afternoons between patients. It was February, the height of Norovirus season, and C finally succumbed to the bug that was hitting his school (and my office). At that point I was around 11-12 weeks. I was fine the first time he threw up, but the next day he did again and the smell set me off....I vomited several times that week, and had the worst diarrhea ever. But we both recovered. (And for the record, I also had pinkeye at around 5 weeks, a yeast infection after the 2nd ultrasound at 8 weeks, and developed a rash on my hand that I think is probably Molluscum. My immune system was totally shot.) He had basically stopped nursing even at bedtime when I was around 8-9 weeks pregnant, then he asked a couple times that week after being sick, but has not nursed again since. After that week, I felt much better. The nausea went away and I could finally eat again! And sweets, oh how I wanted anything sweet. I was still tired after work -- it would hit right around 4:30/5pm, just in time for my PM commute -- but I was otherwise doing well. Feeling happy and excited and enjoying my growing belly and finally getting into my maternity clothes.
DISCLAIMER: The rest of this post discusses 2nd trimester loss.
I had another OB appointment at 14w5d. She found the heartbeat right away, despite my anterior placenta diagnosed the week prior. Everything else was normal. Later that week, I couldn't find the heartbeat at home with my Doppler. I attributed it to the anterior placenta/baby's position. I was certain that I was started to feel the same "flutters" I had felt around 14-15 weeks with Curly, and that reassured me. It felt like being tickled from the inside, and I only felt it on the sides of my belly, which made sense b/c of the placenta positioning. I even felt "tapping" a couple times when I was leaning forward or laying on my belly. But over the next couple weeks, I tried several times with the Doppler and was not successful. I posted on the FF boards and got dozens of stories of other women with anterior placentas and difficulty with the Doppler, even from their OB, and felt better about it.
We left to go out of town for Passover -- to my mom's vacation house in Destin, Florida. My sister came in town as well, and my stepbrother + 4 kids live there. I left the Doppler at home. We had a fun Seder, and C was really having a good time away. At 17w4d, I started having some very dark brown spotting just on the toilet paper when I wiped. I stayed on the couch, super hydrated, and it went away. Then that night I had one drop of bright red blood on the toilet paper. Because of my blood type (I'm A- and DH is O+), I called the OB and she sent me to the ED to get Rhogam.
In the ED, they did an exam and my cervix was closed. The tech came in for a scan and said my bladder wasn't full enough (they had just asked me to pee in a cup!), so I got an IV hooked up. The screen had been turned away from me, but DH said he "saw the baby" and he figured it was fine. She came back half an hour later, and again kept the screen turned away from me. She asked if I'd had a dating scan already, and I said yes -- several scans. I could see a reflection in her glasses, and couldn't make out movement. Before she left, I asked if she'd seen the heartbeat, and she just said "I cannot confirm or deny anything, the doctor will be back in soon." I think I knew then that it was bad news.
The doctor came in a few minutes later, and said the scan revealed no heartbeat or fetal movement, and that the fetus measured a few weeks behind. Diagnosed "missed miscarriage" and "intra-uterine fetal demise." Since my cervix was closed, I could go home and follow-up with my OB the next day. I waited for my Rhogam shot and we went home, utterly devastated and in complete shock. How could that be? How does this happen? Were they sure? Maybe the tech didn't know what she was talking about. How could I be feeling movement if the baby wasn't moving? It didn't make any sense.
Also, what a mind-fuck. To have had a bad first scan, to be told I was going to miscarry and it was likely a blighted ovum and that my progesterone was too low but nothing could be done -- but THEN to see a heartbeat. To see it THREE times on normal scans and hear it at home a dozen times. To have normal testing. To have finally relaxed and started telling people. To have made plans.
I spoke to the midwife's office the next day. Their OB was out of town, so I could come back to Atlanta and see a hospitalist I'd never met before, and "depending on their comfort level," would either be induced to deliver a dead baby or might have surgery. I did not like the sound of that, so I called my previous OB/GYN's office in Birmingham -- she had been my doctor through med school, and was my mom's doctor, and I fully trusted her. I got on her schedule for the next afternoon for a pre-op visit, with surgery likely the day after. We packed up, did some very quick shopping at the outlets (b/c C needed clothes/shoes), and left early the next morning.
We drove straight to the doctor's office (5 hours in the car). They did a repeat ultrasound, and have a high-tech machine and a screen up on the wall so you can see what they are doing. I will never get that image out of my mind. There was clearly a baby there, but just kind of floating -- not moving at all. No heartbeat. Her measurements said 15 weeks. We spoke to the doctor for a while, asked a bunch of questions, most of which she had no answer to. The plan was made for the next day. I had no desire to be induced or to miscarry naturally -- I wanted the whole thing over with fast, and she agreed that would be the best for my emotional health. Because I was further along than she thought by dates, she was going to enlist the help of another doctor too -- part of the reason I like her is because she never hesitates to ask for help. We went home, I arranged a baby-sitter for C, and I did not sleep at all. I think DH was the most in shock, as he had presumed the ED had just made a mistake and all would be well. I was just heartbroken, and if it weren't for a busy toddler who needed my attention, I probably would have been curled up in bed, sobbing.
The next morning was Wednesday. We went early for an 8am appointment with the perinatologist upstairs. He was lovely and also tried to answer questions -- although, again, there really were not any answers. Then he inserted Dilipans -- a cervical ripening agent. It felt like a horrible pap smear, but nothing excruciating. My cervix was still closed but softening slightly -- I was still spotting a tiny amount. Then we went downstairs and I registered for my surgery. A while later they brought me back, started the IV and did bloodwork. I spoke to the anesthesiologist and my doctor again. I asked her why I felt like there was movement when there clearly wasn't -- she said she actually doesn't think anyone feels any fetal movement until 16-18 weeks, sometimes later, and that it was my body interpreting other feelings (gas, an itch, etc) because my brain wanted it to be movement. I was feeling it even that morning. Everyone was very nice and sweet and kept saying they were sorry I had to be there. So was I. They gave me a pre-cocktail of tylenol & celebrex. I asked the anesthesiologist for something to relax me a little and got some Versed as they wheeled me back.
Next thing I knew, I was waking up in the recovery room. I started crying. I wasn't pregnant anymore.
That was a week ago. The physical recovery wasn't terrible. I took 3 days of Methergine to help with uterine contractions/bleeding. I took Aleve every 12 hours for a couple days, and only took the pain killer at bedtime for 2 nights. I requested an Rx for Ambien as well, and I am still taking a half dose at bedtime. I took 7 days of an antibiotic too. The bleeding was much lighter than a regular period and had stopped completely by Sunday night. I had a lot of thigh/back pain for a couple days, then just minor cramping. My back still hurts, but not sure if that's related to this or not.
The emotional recovery has been harder. I am okay when I'm busy with something -- even if it's reading or watching TV. But then it hits me again, that I'm not pregnant, that I'm not having a baby this fall. And I start crying again. I have tried three times now to go into my closet an pack up my maternity clothes, and I just start crying and cannot do it. I was putting away C's clothes last night and saw the t-shirt we had made for him that says "Only Child Club, membership due to expire in September 2015." I nearly lost it completely, except he was running around and being silly.
I do not have any results yet, and I've been told that a "reason" is only found 50-65% of the time. They did sent the placenta for cultures and chromosomes, and I expect to have results next week. The fact that I had three good scans and normal bloodwork suggests either an infection (which is doubtful since I never had a fever), or some problem with the placenta itself, but it could still have been chromosomal. I called yesterday to set up an appointment with a perinatologist here in Atlanta for a "recurrent loss counseling session," did my "intake" and waiting to hear back from the scheduler. I'd like to be tested for MHTFR and anti-phospholipid, but not sure what else to ask for (any suggestions?). The fact that I had one normal pregnancy that went to term makes it slightly less likely to be one of those issues, but I am not convinced.
I took this week off of work. I did not know where I would be physically, and could not imagine the emotional hardship of seeing patients and "un-telling" everyone I was pregnant. The plan is to go back next week (I do not have any paid sick days, although my mom has said she would help if needed). I did request not to have any newborn or prenatal visits for a few weeks.
I still do not think it's fully hit me. That there's no baby in my fat tummy. That I won't have to complain all summer about the heat and being pregnant in HOTlanta in August. That I don't need to buy all new maternity clothes (my previous wardrobe being suited for winter in NYC and not summer in the South). That I won't have a newborn again in September, and be out of work until January. Part of me feels like I just lost six months of my life. That it was a dream, and did not really happen. Maybe I can trick myself into believing that we were waiting to TTC again until C turned 2yo. But then I remember. Or see a pregnant woman or a newborn. Or walk into my closet. And it all hits me again.
I am not sure where to go from here. I desperately want to be pregnant again. But as anxious as I was when I got pregnant with C right after my first loss, how do you get pregnant again after a fetal demise in the second trimester? How do you feel reassured by ANY ultrasound or testing that says "all's good."
DH said the morning after the ED visit that "nothing could be worse than this." I contradicted him. Wouldn't it be worse to carry to term and have a stillbirth or death within the first couple days, like what happened to my friend during residency? Wouldn't it be worse to have a healthy child then get diagnosed with cancer? Wouldn't it be worse for your child to be in a horrible accident? The list goes on and on. Of COURSE there are worse things that could happen. But not to us RIGHT NOW. And he is scared to get pregnant again. He does not want this to happen again. He told my mom that maybe C would just be on only child. My wonderful husband, who's from a family of 6 kids and originally wanted "at least" 4, contemplating not wanting more kids because he cannot handle something like this again. I guess nothing could be worse.
My first miscarriage was mostly a secret. When I got pregnant again, I did tell some people that I had a loss prior, and people would tell me they had been through the same. But at the time, no one knew. With this, everyone knows. And no one knows what to do or say. My grandparents brought over flowers -- thanks, but no thanks. My friends sent a care package designed for someone on bedrest -- a TV tray, pajamas, slippers. Again, thanks but not thanks. I do not want to hear about your first trimester miscarriages, or the fact that you once had a D&C. It is NOT THE SAME THING. This loss is nothing like my first loss. This baby had a heartbeat, was moving. I saw it bouncing around in my belly, kicking at that big cushy anterior placenta! It was alive. And then it wasn't. Only someone who has been through THIS knows what I am going through.
I knew I needed to blog about it. I do not know if people read this -- if they ever did, or if I'm still on anyone's reading list after 2 years away. But I needed to put the story into words. I need to remember the details. I loved this baby. I will always love this baby. I will always miss this baby.
Since then, I gave birth to the most amazing little man, who will turn 2yo one month from today. Man, how did that happen already? Quick birth story: I went into labor on my due date, mild contractions every 10-15 minutes during the day, then my water broke. I labored at home another couple hours, then headed to the hospital and got my epidural about 2 hours later....and was only 2cm. Started on Pitocin, the little one didn't tolerate high doses of it, and 12 hours later I was only 4cm. Ended up with a c-section for failure to progress, he was sunny side-up, never dropped into my pelvis, and was bigger than expected for my small frame (8lbs 5oz).
We left NYC when the little guy was 2 months old. We spent 2 months living with my Mom, then moved into an apartment in Atlanta. I went back to work when he was 6.5 months old, at a terrible job with a horrible boss, and left there after 5 months (long story for another post). A month later, I started at a great job -- I work three days/week, office hours only (no hospital rounds), and it's straight salary so no pressure to see more patients or bill for extra things.
Curly is absolutely a dream. He is happy nearly all the time -- unless he's hungry or tired, like most toddlers. His language development is incredible -- this morning, for instance, he pointed out the tree/animals on his wall over his crib and informed me that "Mommy put on owl stickers on wall." He also asked that "Mommy put on monkey t-shirt on C." He understands absolutely everything, and cracks us up daily -- often intentionally. He's a great sleeper, and happily plays in his crib after he wakes up in the mornings. He's typically a great eater, some days better than others though. (He never took to purees so got table food very early, and eats what we eat. I refuse to make special meals for him.) He loves school, loves to read, loves music and going to music class, and can entertain himself with his toys. He's had a few colds here and there, but has never been truly sick and his worst injury has been a tooth getting slightly pushed back from a fall. He has an amazing memory -- last week he reminded me that "black goat jumped, scared C at zoo," something that happened on January 1st. He gives the best hugs and happily cuddles with me at bedtime.
Figuring we'd hit the jackpot with #1, we decided to start trying for #2 last summer. I waited until after we had moved from an apartment into our rental home to stop the mini-pill; I've known so many people to get pregnant the first month with #2 that I wanted to be fully prepared if that happened. I didn't get PPAF even at that point, and C was still nursing 3-4x/day, so I started the process of weaning him (while taking HPT's weekly just in case and using my CBFM as per directions I found for preventing with BFing -- clearly my body was trying, as I'd have weeks of EWCM at a time, but nothing was happening). First I weaned him down to twice a day, only at waking & bedtime. Still nothing. So finally in November, I weaned him to bedtime only. Two weeks later, on Thanksgiving Day, AF finally arrived. I continued using the CBFM and never got a "peak," but had clear fertile signs around CD18-23, and we happened to be on vacation.
A week after we got back from vacation, I was complaining to DH that I felt nauseous. He said "probably because you are pregnant," but I brushed him off. The next day, though, I felt the same way so POAS and at 10dpo in the evening, got a faint positive! Holy cow, I was shocked!! Of course I kept POAS every other day, making sure the lines got darker. They did. I called the midwife practice where I had an appointment a few weeks later to discuss fertility issues (having turned 35yo and officially TTC for 6 months), and switched the appointment to a dating scan at what I figured was 7 weeks.
We went for that scan. Waiting about 3 hours b/c the technician was running seriously late (thank goodness for a playroom in the waiting room). They found a gestational sac that measured accurately, 6w5d, but no fetal pole. Had labs sent and was prepared for the worst. Beta was high (around 18K), progesterone around 15, but when I finally spoke to the OB a few days later she recommended against supplementing since studies indicate that low progesterone is the result of a non-viable pregnancy, not the cause. Went in a week later for repeat scan, and there was the heartbeat! Measuring a couple days behind at 7w2d. Had a 3rd scan with my "new OB" appointment two weeks later, and measured 9w5d, right on track. Heard the heartbeat regularly at home by that point.
We were ecstatic. Started telling some family members, but no one beyond that. At 13w5d, had the NT scan and everything looked perfect, measuring a few days ahead, and I got Materniti21 results the following day -- all normal. We started telling our friends, cousins, and co-workers. Baby #2 would be here in September! Despite the slow start, everything looked good and we were thrilled.
I had been wanting to post on this blog for some time. Mainly to record my symptoms, so I would have a frame of reference for next time. Unlike my pregnancy with Curly, this time during the first trimester I felt nausea AFTER I ate. So I'd eat a small breakfast, something light for lunch, and then basically nothing else the rest of the day. I ended up losing 10lbs during the first trimester, which was fine since I had never fully lost the baby weight from C. I was still considered "obese" and had to do an early 1hour GTT b/c of it; the midwife was actually happy with the weight loss. I was of course tired, and between the fatigue and the nausea I was often in bed right after C went to sleep. I also had crazy diarrhea, often rushing to the bathroom in the afternoons between patients. It was February, the height of Norovirus season, and C finally succumbed to the bug that was hitting his school (and my office). At that point I was around 11-12 weeks. I was fine the first time he threw up, but the next day he did again and the smell set me off....I vomited several times that week, and had the worst diarrhea ever. But we both recovered. (And for the record, I also had pinkeye at around 5 weeks, a yeast infection after the 2nd ultrasound at 8 weeks, and developed a rash on my hand that I think is probably Molluscum. My immune system was totally shot.) He had basically stopped nursing even at bedtime when I was around 8-9 weeks pregnant, then he asked a couple times that week after being sick, but has not nursed again since. After that week, I felt much better. The nausea went away and I could finally eat again! And sweets, oh how I wanted anything sweet. I was still tired after work -- it would hit right around 4:30/5pm, just in time for my PM commute -- but I was otherwise doing well. Feeling happy and excited and enjoying my growing belly and finally getting into my maternity clothes.
DISCLAIMER: The rest of this post discusses 2nd trimester loss.
I had another OB appointment at 14w5d. She found the heartbeat right away, despite my anterior placenta diagnosed the week prior. Everything else was normal. Later that week, I couldn't find the heartbeat at home with my Doppler. I attributed it to the anterior placenta/baby's position. I was certain that I was started to feel the same "flutters" I had felt around 14-15 weeks with Curly, and that reassured me. It felt like being tickled from the inside, and I only felt it on the sides of my belly, which made sense b/c of the placenta positioning. I even felt "tapping" a couple times when I was leaning forward or laying on my belly. But over the next couple weeks, I tried several times with the Doppler and was not successful. I posted on the FF boards and got dozens of stories of other women with anterior placentas and difficulty with the Doppler, even from their OB, and felt better about it.
We left to go out of town for Passover -- to my mom's vacation house in Destin, Florida. My sister came in town as well, and my stepbrother + 4 kids live there. I left the Doppler at home. We had a fun Seder, and C was really having a good time away. At 17w4d, I started having some very dark brown spotting just on the toilet paper when I wiped. I stayed on the couch, super hydrated, and it went away. Then that night I had one drop of bright red blood on the toilet paper. Because of my blood type (I'm A- and DH is O+), I called the OB and she sent me to the ED to get Rhogam.
In the ED, they did an exam and my cervix was closed. The tech came in for a scan and said my bladder wasn't full enough (they had just asked me to pee in a cup!), so I got an IV hooked up. The screen had been turned away from me, but DH said he "saw the baby" and he figured it was fine. She came back half an hour later, and again kept the screen turned away from me. She asked if I'd had a dating scan already, and I said yes -- several scans. I could see a reflection in her glasses, and couldn't make out movement. Before she left, I asked if she'd seen the heartbeat, and she just said "I cannot confirm or deny anything, the doctor will be back in soon." I think I knew then that it was bad news.
The doctor came in a few minutes later, and said the scan revealed no heartbeat or fetal movement, and that the fetus measured a few weeks behind. Diagnosed "missed miscarriage" and "intra-uterine fetal demise." Since my cervix was closed, I could go home and follow-up with my OB the next day. I waited for my Rhogam shot and we went home, utterly devastated and in complete shock. How could that be? How does this happen? Were they sure? Maybe the tech didn't know what she was talking about. How could I be feeling movement if the baby wasn't moving? It didn't make any sense.
Also, what a mind-fuck. To have had a bad first scan, to be told I was going to miscarry and it was likely a blighted ovum and that my progesterone was too low but nothing could be done -- but THEN to see a heartbeat. To see it THREE times on normal scans and hear it at home a dozen times. To have normal testing. To have finally relaxed and started telling people. To have made plans.
I spoke to the midwife's office the next day. Their OB was out of town, so I could come back to Atlanta and see a hospitalist I'd never met before, and "depending on their comfort level," would either be induced to deliver a dead baby or might have surgery. I did not like the sound of that, so I called my previous OB/GYN's office in Birmingham -- she had been my doctor through med school, and was my mom's doctor, and I fully trusted her. I got on her schedule for the next afternoon for a pre-op visit, with surgery likely the day after. We packed up, did some very quick shopping at the outlets (b/c C needed clothes/shoes), and left early the next morning.
We drove straight to the doctor's office (5 hours in the car). They did a repeat ultrasound, and have a high-tech machine and a screen up on the wall so you can see what they are doing. I will never get that image out of my mind. There was clearly a baby there, but just kind of floating -- not moving at all. No heartbeat. Her measurements said 15 weeks. We spoke to the doctor for a while, asked a bunch of questions, most of which she had no answer to. The plan was made for the next day. I had no desire to be induced or to miscarry naturally -- I wanted the whole thing over with fast, and she agreed that would be the best for my emotional health. Because I was further along than she thought by dates, she was going to enlist the help of another doctor too -- part of the reason I like her is because she never hesitates to ask for help. We went home, I arranged a baby-sitter for C, and I did not sleep at all. I think DH was the most in shock, as he had presumed the ED had just made a mistake and all would be well. I was just heartbroken, and if it weren't for a busy toddler who needed my attention, I probably would have been curled up in bed, sobbing.
The next morning was Wednesday. We went early for an 8am appointment with the perinatologist upstairs. He was lovely and also tried to answer questions -- although, again, there really were not any answers. Then he inserted Dilipans -- a cervical ripening agent. It felt like a horrible pap smear, but nothing excruciating. My cervix was still closed but softening slightly -- I was still spotting a tiny amount. Then we went downstairs and I registered for my surgery. A while later they brought me back, started the IV and did bloodwork. I spoke to the anesthesiologist and my doctor again. I asked her why I felt like there was movement when there clearly wasn't -- she said she actually doesn't think anyone feels any fetal movement until 16-18 weeks, sometimes later, and that it was my body interpreting other feelings (gas, an itch, etc) because my brain wanted it to be movement. I was feeling it even that morning. Everyone was very nice and sweet and kept saying they were sorry I had to be there. So was I. They gave me a pre-cocktail of tylenol & celebrex. I asked the anesthesiologist for something to relax me a little and got some Versed as they wheeled me back.
Next thing I knew, I was waking up in the recovery room. I started crying. I wasn't pregnant anymore.
That was a week ago. The physical recovery wasn't terrible. I took 3 days of Methergine to help with uterine contractions/bleeding. I took Aleve every 12 hours for a couple days, and only took the pain killer at bedtime for 2 nights. I requested an Rx for Ambien as well, and I am still taking a half dose at bedtime. I took 7 days of an antibiotic too. The bleeding was much lighter than a regular period and had stopped completely by Sunday night. I had a lot of thigh/back pain for a couple days, then just minor cramping. My back still hurts, but not sure if that's related to this or not.
The emotional recovery has been harder. I am okay when I'm busy with something -- even if it's reading or watching TV. But then it hits me again, that I'm not pregnant, that I'm not having a baby this fall. And I start crying again. I have tried three times now to go into my closet an pack up my maternity clothes, and I just start crying and cannot do it. I was putting away C's clothes last night and saw the t-shirt we had made for him that says "Only Child Club, membership due to expire in September 2015." I nearly lost it completely, except he was running around and being silly.
I do not have any results yet, and I've been told that a "reason" is only found 50-65% of the time. They did sent the placenta for cultures and chromosomes, and I expect to have results next week. The fact that I had three good scans and normal bloodwork suggests either an infection (which is doubtful since I never had a fever), or some problem with the placenta itself, but it could still have been chromosomal. I called yesterday to set up an appointment with a perinatologist here in Atlanta for a "recurrent loss counseling session," did my "intake" and waiting to hear back from the scheduler. I'd like to be tested for MHTFR and anti-phospholipid, but not sure what else to ask for (any suggestions?). The fact that I had one normal pregnancy that went to term makes it slightly less likely to be one of those issues, but I am not convinced.
I took this week off of work. I did not know where I would be physically, and could not imagine the emotional hardship of seeing patients and "un-telling" everyone I was pregnant. The plan is to go back next week (I do not have any paid sick days, although my mom has said she would help if needed). I did request not to have any newborn or prenatal visits for a few weeks.
I still do not think it's fully hit me. That there's no baby in my fat tummy. That I won't have to complain all summer about the heat and being pregnant in HOTlanta in August. That I don't need to buy all new maternity clothes (my previous wardrobe being suited for winter in NYC and not summer in the South). That I won't have a newborn again in September, and be out of work until January. Part of me feels like I just lost six months of my life. That it was a dream, and did not really happen. Maybe I can trick myself into believing that we were waiting to TTC again until C turned 2yo. But then I remember. Or see a pregnant woman or a newborn. Or walk into my closet. And it all hits me again.
I am not sure where to go from here. I desperately want to be pregnant again. But as anxious as I was when I got pregnant with C right after my first loss, how do you get pregnant again after a fetal demise in the second trimester? How do you feel reassured by ANY ultrasound or testing that says "all's good."
DH said the morning after the ED visit that "nothing could be worse than this." I contradicted him. Wouldn't it be worse to carry to term and have a stillbirth or death within the first couple days, like what happened to my friend during residency? Wouldn't it be worse to have a healthy child then get diagnosed with cancer? Wouldn't it be worse for your child to be in a horrible accident? The list goes on and on. Of COURSE there are worse things that could happen. But not to us RIGHT NOW. And he is scared to get pregnant again. He does not want this to happen again. He told my mom that maybe C would just be on only child. My wonderful husband, who's from a family of 6 kids and originally wanted "at least" 4, contemplating not wanting more kids because he cannot handle something like this again. I guess nothing could be worse.
My first miscarriage was mostly a secret. When I got pregnant again, I did tell some people that I had a loss prior, and people would tell me they had been through the same. But at the time, no one knew. With this, everyone knows. And no one knows what to do or say. My grandparents brought over flowers -- thanks, but no thanks. My friends sent a care package designed for someone on bedrest -- a TV tray, pajamas, slippers. Again, thanks but not thanks. I do not want to hear about your first trimester miscarriages, or the fact that you once had a D&C. It is NOT THE SAME THING. This loss is nothing like my first loss. This baby had a heartbeat, was moving. I saw it bouncing around in my belly, kicking at that big cushy anterior placenta! It was alive. And then it wasn't. Only someone who has been through THIS knows what I am going through.
I knew I needed to blog about it. I do not know if people read this -- if they ever did, or if I'm still on anyone's reading list after 2 years away. But I needed to put the story into words. I need to remember the details. I loved this baby. I will always love this baby. I will always miss this baby.
Friday, March 15, 2013
D-Day
I know I haven't posted on this blog in months. I DID create a public blog for my friends/family to follow the pregnancy (and baby, eventually). But even there, I only post once every few weeks.
But today is March 15th -- my original due date. I honestly don't think about that pregnancy very often, which is probably a good thing. The most I think about it is that instead of having 8 more weeks to go, I'd probably have a baby already (or would by next week). I don't know what I'd be feeling right now if I weren't 31+ weeks pregnant -- I'm sure it would be pure devastation.
We went to Disney World the day after that miscarriage. It was one of the best things I think we could have possibly done. Disney is truly a magical place -- in addition to being just SO INCREDIBLY BUSY that we couldn't dwell on the loss that much, we were able to make a lot of wishes. We found the wishing well, and I got sprinkled with fairy dust, and we watched Tinkerbell fly over us at night. I don't usually believe in things like that, but it felt magical to be there. We also both needed new keychains, so the one I bought had a Tink on it (and a flower, which I lost within a few weeks). I've carried that little fairy around every day since then, and I feel like she's truly been a good luck charm for this totally boring pregnancy (which is what we wished for, of course).
Last week, Tink fell off. I got REALLY sad, I felt like it was bad luck to go out of the apartment with her! But a couple days later, my wonderful husband found her in the hallway, and I was able to put her back on my keychain. Oof, crisis averted. I'm not sure why I got so sad over it (not even upset, just sad). Like I said, I don't typically believe in superstitions or guardian angels or things like that. But it just felt like I needed her with me all the time, or something bad might happen.
Anyway, today is kind of a sad day. But this little thing inside me won't let me dwell on the loss too long -- Curly likes to move too much (or hiccup too often). Things with this pregnancy are going well, no real issues. I feel huge, and I'm kinda worried about how big I'll be in another 6-8 weeks. Starting to think more seriously about baby products, and clothes, and the like. I'm sure May will be here before we know it.
Gratuitous photo below of the belly. I'm not sure when I'll be back to this blog to post again, but just assume that silence is a good thing. :-)
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That's a progression at 23 weeks, 28 weeks, and 31 weeks :-)
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But today is March 15th -- my original due date. I honestly don't think about that pregnancy very often, which is probably a good thing. The most I think about it is that instead of having 8 more weeks to go, I'd probably have a baby already (or would by next week). I don't know what I'd be feeling right now if I weren't 31+ weeks pregnant -- I'm sure it would be pure devastation.
We went to Disney World the day after that miscarriage. It was one of the best things I think we could have possibly done. Disney is truly a magical place -- in addition to being just SO INCREDIBLY BUSY that we couldn't dwell on the loss that much, we were able to make a lot of wishes. We found the wishing well, and I got sprinkled with fairy dust, and we watched Tinkerbell fly over us at night. I don't usually believe in things like that, but it felt magical to be there. We also both needed new keychains, so the one I bought had a Tink on it (and a flower, which I lost within a few weeks). I've carried that little fairy around every day since then, and I feel like she's truly been a good luck charm for this totally boring pregnancy (which is what we wished for, of course).
Last week, Tink fell off. I got REALLY sad, I felt like it was bad luck to go out of the apartment with her! But a couple days later, my wonderful husband found her in the hallway, and I was able to put her back on my keychain. Oof, crisis averted. I'm not sure why I got so sad over it (not even upset, just sad). Like I said, I don't typically believe in superstitions or guardian angels or things like that. But it just felt like I needed her with me all the time, or something bad might happen.
Anyway, today is kind of a sad day. But this little thing inside me won't let me dwell on the loss too long -- Curly likes to move too much (or hiccup too often). Things with this pregnancy are going well, no real issues. I feel huge, and I'm kinda worried about how big I'll be in another 6-8 weeks. Starting to think more seriously about baby products, and clothes, and the like. I'm sure May will be here before we know it.
Gratuitous photo below of the belly. I'm not sure when I'll be back to this blog to post again, but just assume that silence is a good thing. :-)
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Thursday, December 6, 2012
Not Sure
So I'm really not sure what to do with this blog.
I originally created it thinking that I'd get pregnant within a few months and just share the link with friends/family. They'd be able to read everything, and then it would be a good place for updates during pregnancy and with baby. (I have a friend who sends an email out each week for BOTH of her kids, with a picture and a LONG story about what they did that week. It's annoying. At least with a blog people could read or not, depending on what they want to do.)
Then it took longer than I had figured to get my BFP. Followed by the miscarriage, and then all my feelings on pregnancy after loss.
While I'm not super secretive about the miscarriage -- I'd rather some people know about it, and I kinda feel like it's good for people to know so if it ever (G-d forbid) happened to them, they would know they could chat with me about it -- I don't want all the posts on here to be public to my friends & family. This has become a private space for me to share my feelings, and although I have some followers, it's an anonymous place for me to be.
Meanwhile, I'm not sure I truly fit in to the world of the infertile blogger. I got my first BFP on Cycle 5, and had an early loss. I then got another BFP immediately after. While I would have done testing at 6 months of no pregnancy, I never got there. I didn't have to deal with tests, and meds, and treatments. I didn't have to deal with recurrent pregnancy loss (thank GOODNESS). While struggling with a loss is certainly a difficult thing to do, and pregnancy after loss has its own world of emotions & fears, I'm not a pregnant infertile. I'm just a pregnant lady.
So here's what I'm thinking -- I'll start another blog, a public one for friends/family. I'll post the link over here when I do, so if anyone wants to continue to see pics and hear updates on the pregnancy/baby, you can do that. That's the only place where I'll post pics and share pregnancy or baby updates. But I'll still keep this blog active -- although likely less so. It'll still be the place I come to when I need to share a personal struggle, problem, or question. Something I don't want to be public.
Does that make sense?
I originally created it thinking that I'd get pregnant within a few months and just share the link with friends/family. They'd be able to read everything, and then it would be a good place for updates during pregnancy and with baby. (I have a friend who sends an email out each week for BOTH of her kids, with a picture and a LONG story about what they did that week. It's annoying. At least with a blog people could read or not, depending on what they want to do.)
Then it took longer than I had figured to get my BFP. Followed by the miscarriage, and then all my feelings on pregnancy after loss.
While I'm not super secretive about the miscarriage -- I'd rather some people know about it, and I kinda feel like it's good for people to know so if it ever (G-d forbid) happened to them, they would know they could chat with me about it -- I don't want all the posts on here to be public to my friends & family. This has become a private space for me to share my feelings, and although I have some followers, it's an anonymous place for me to be.
Meanwhile, I'm not sure I truly fit in to the world of the infertile blogger. I got my first BFP on Cycle 5, and had an early loss. I then got another BFP immediately after. While I would have done testing at 6 months of no pregnancy, I never got there. I didn't have to deal with tests, and meds, and treatments. I didn't have to deal with recurrent pregnancy loss (thank GOODNESS). While struggling with a loss is certainly a difficult thing to do, and pregnancy after loss has its own world of emotions & fears, I'm not a pregnant infertile. I'm just a pregnant lady.
So here's what I'm thinking -- I'll start another blog, a public one for friends/family. I'll post the link over here when I do, so if anyone wants to continue to see pics and hear updates on the pregnancy/baby, you can do that. That's the only place where I'll post pics and share pregnancy or baby updates. But I'll still keep this blog active -- although likely less so. It'll still be the place I come to when I need to share a personal struggle, problem, or question. Something I don't want to be public.
Does that make sense?
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
17 weeks (+ 1 day)
So here's what's going on with Curly (and me):
-- I've been feeling movement consistently for 2 weeks. Seems early, but my placenta is posterior so maybe that's helping. I can best describe it as being tickled from the inside, like with a long fingernail. During the ultrasound yesterday, I saw Curly moving as I was feeling it, so I know what I'm feeling is the baby moving. So weird! And so great. :-)
-- Fatigue hasn't gotten any better. After a long day at work, I will easily fall asleep on the couch around 8pm. I keep wanting to go to Yoga, but the classes are 6:30 - 8pm, and I don't know how I'd stay awake that long. I have 5 classes to use by the end of January; I guess worst case scenario I waste one or two. (Unfortunately, they have NO classes on Sundays! And pretty far for me to walk to go on a Saturday, it's 38 blocks.)
-- No cravings. I've actually had some bouts of nausea this past week, only at night. I doubt I'm eating as well as I should, but trying to get in some fruits and/or vegetables each day. And calcium. As of yesterday I had only gained 3 lbs on my home scale. Will see what doctor says next Tuesday. Here are a couple pics, I think I looked bigger last week actually but that the bump is moving upward now (I was also wearing a tighter tank-top last week).
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-- Yesterday was our initial anatomy scan. They were testing out a new machine, so a guy who works for the company was in the room showing the tech all the fancy things it could do. And it was AWESOME! The quality of the images were amazing. You could see the difference between the bowels and the liver! We saw all the leaflets of the heart, the lenses on the eyes, the blood flow to the kidneys, all the fingers/toes, the knees and elbows -- seriously, every detail! You'll see from the pic that the quality was much better than the previous one.
(I can't decide if the face is in profile or looking at us. Looks more like an ear on the top than a nose, right? That graying streak by the mouth is b/c Mr. W folded the pic in his pocket while I was checking out.)
They said that everything was PERFECT. Curly weighs 7 ounces already! Still kinda hard to believe. We looked away when she scanned the genitalia, and I opted to not get a CD of the images b/c they would ALL be on there -- including the ones we don't want to see. So if we aren't going to look at the CD now, we for sure won't look at it after Curly arrives b/c wouldn't you rather look at the real baby? I will admit, it was super tempting to sneak a peak. But I'm happy to stay Team Green.
-- They also took blood yesterday (first stick!), for the final risk assessment for Down's and other anomalies. I'll get the results next week. Wasn't done at the hospital, so I can't look it up myself. I'm not worried, though.
-- We have a follow-up anatomy scan in 4 weeks -- well, closer to 5, b/c of the holidays. I like the way this place does the 3 scans as a series, and I don't even mind that b/c it's not at the hospital, I have to pay a little out of pocket ($60 for the NT scan). They are great there and it's so nice to see Curly doing so well.
-- I'm finally beginning to feel really attached to this pregnancy. I only think about the loss in terms of timing -- like how if I were due in March, I'd get a full maternity leave before leaving my job!! But otherwise, I feel like I'm so far out of the woods with this one that it's a little easier. (But it doesn't totally go away -- I did have a vision of them starting the scan to find that the baby was way too small and wouldn't survive.) I also think feeling movement makes a HUGE difference -- I can even feel when she responds to noises, or what I eat, or changes in my position! It's amazing.
-- I totally look pregnant. It's time to embrace my bump and not be so hung up on my size/weight gain. It's really hard; I've struggled with my weight my entire life. I saw a picture of my cousin who is due this month and immediately thought "OMG, I better not get that big!" But if the baby is healthy, that's all that matters, right? I can't do anything about my pre-pregnancy weight right now. So just need to enjoy the fact that Curly is growing inside me and not get so worried. Sigh.
-- We are traveling a LOT between now and 24 weeks, and I'm tired just thinking about it. Next weekend we leave for 2 days in Florida (visiting my family), then 5 nights in Jamaica! That is going to be unbelievable, I'm so excited. We have a week home, then flying to 'Bama for New Year's to see my grandparents again (my 90 year old grandpa hasn't been so great, so my mom insisted I find time to see him again before I couldn't travel, and this was seriously the only time). Will be home 2 weeks from that, then flying to Austin for 5 nights to visit my sister. Mr. W has never been there, so figured this would be a good chance for him to see it. After that, though, I imagine we won't go anywhere until July/August -- when we will probably be packing up and moving out of the city completely. It's gonna take me some time to get used to that.
-- I've been feeling movement consistently for 2 weeks. Seems early, but my placenta is posterior so maybe that's helping. I can best describe it as being tickled from the inside, like with a long fingernail. During the ultrasound yesterday, I saw Curly moving as I was feeling it, so I know what I'm feeling is the baby moving. So weird! And so great. :-)
-- Fatigue hasn't gotten any better. After a long day at work, I will easily fall asleep on the couch around 8pm. I keep wanting to go to Yoga, but the classes are 6:30 - 8pm, and I don't know how I'd stay awake that long. I have 5 classes to use by the end of January; I guess worst case scenario I waste one or two. (Unfortunately, they have NO classes on Sundays! And pretty far for me to walk to go on a Saturday, it's 38 blocks.)
-- No cravings. I've actually had some bouts of nausea this past week, only at night. I doubt I'm eating as well as I should, but trying to get in some fruits and/or vegetables each day. And calcium. As of yesterday I had only gained 3 lbs on my home scale. Will see what doctor says next Tuesday. Here are a couple pics, I think I looked bigger last week actually but that the bump is moving upward now (I was also wearing a tighter tank-top last week).
.JPG)
-- Yesterday was our initial anatomy scan. They were testing out a new machine, so a guy who works for the company was in the room showing the tech all the fancy things it could do. And it was AWESOME! The quality of the images were amazing. You could see the difference between the bowels and the liver! We saw all the leaflets of the heart, the lenses on the eyes, the blood flow to the kidneys, all the fingers/toes, the knees and elbows -- seriously, every detail! You'll see from the pic that the quality was much better than the previous one.
(I can't decide if the face is in profile or looking at us. Looks more like an ear on the top than a nose, right? That graying streak by the mouth is b/c Mr. W folded the pic in his pocket while I was checking out.)
They said that everything was PERFECT. Curly weighs 7 ounces already! Still kinda hard to believe. We looked away when she scanned the genitalia, and I opted to not get a CD of the images b/c they would ALL be on there -- including the ones we don't want to see. So if we aren't going to look at the CD now, we for sure won't look at it after Curly arrives b/c wouldn't you rather look at the real baby? I will admit, it was super tempting to sneak a peak. But I'm happy to stay Team Green.
-- They also took blood yesterday (first stick!), for the final risk assessment for Down's and other anomalies. I'll get the results next week. Wasn't done at the hospital, so I can't look it up myself. I'm not worried, though.
-- We have a follow-up anatomy scan in 4 weeks -- well, closer to 5, b/c of the holidays. I like the way this place does the 3 scans as a series, and I don't even mind that b/c it's not at the hospital, I have to pay a little out of pocket ($60 for the NT scan). They are great there and it's so nice to see Curly doing so well.
-- I'm finally beginning to feel really attached to this pregnancy. I only think about the loss in terms of timing -- like how if I were due in March, I'd get a full maternity leave before leaving my job!! But otherwise, I feel like I'm so far out of the woods with this one that it's a little easier. (But it doesn't totally go away -- I did have a vision of them starting the scan to find that the baby was way too small and wouldn't survive.) I also think feeling movement makes a HUGE difference -- I can even feel when she responds to noises, or what I eat, or changes in my position! It's amazing.
-- I totally look pregnant. It's time to embrace my bump and not be so hung up on my size/weight gain. It's really hard; I've struggled with my weight my entire life. I saw a picture of my cousin who is due this month and immediately thought "OMG, I better not get that big!" But if the baby is healthy, that's all that matters, right? I can't do anything about my pre-pregnancy weight right now. So just need to enjoy the fact that Curly is growing inside me and not get so worried. Sigh.
-- We are traveling a LOT between now and 24 weeks, and I'm tired just thinking about it. Next weekend we leave for 2 days in Florida (visiting my family), then 5 nights in Jamaica! That is going to be unbelievable, I'm so excited. We have a week home, then flying to 'Bama for New Year's to see my grandparents again (my 90 year old grandpa hasn't been so great, so my mom insisted I find time to see him again before I couldn't travel, and this was seriously the only time). Will be home 2 weeks from that, then flying to Austin for 5 nights to visit my sister. Mr. W has never been there, so figured this would be a good chance for him to see it. After that, though, I imagine we won't go anywhere until July/August -- when we will probably be packing up and moving out of the city completely. It's gonna take me some time to get used to that.
Major Life Changes
All within one year's time:
- Get married -- check (December 11, 2011)
- Go on honeymoon -- check (January, 2012)
- Start TTC -- check (February, 2012)
- Move into new apartment -- check (March, 2012)
- Travel to Europe for 2 weeks -- check (May/June, 2012)
- Start new job as faculty member -- check (July, 2012)
- Get BFP -- check (July, 2012)
- Have a loss -- check (July, 2012)
- Get another BFP -- check (August, 2012)
- Deal with pregnancy after loss -- check (Sept/Oct/Nov, 2012)
- Lose job and decide to move to another state -- check (December, 2012)
Yup. Yesterday sucked big time. A little background -- when I graduated residency 2.5 years ago, I was told that to be hired in my division (general pediatrics), one had to complete a fellowship. So I arranged for a 2 year fellowship at my own program, with the promise of a faculty position at the end of those two years (as opposed to accepting a fellowship position at a better program at a different hospital).
Then, the person who hired me -- the chair of my division -- left our hospital. AND we got a new chair of the department. Rules changed. The following spring, they had shoes to fill in the division -- so they hired two girls who were straight out of residency, no fellowship training. Then one of those girls moved into a different spot after a year, so her job "opened up." When it came time to negotiate for my faculty position, they wanted to hire me to fill her spot. Which I didn't want to do! I have more training than that. But they dragged their feet for so long that I was basically forced into it -- it was too late to look for anything else. So I ended up with responsibilities that I didn't want, and a salary that was much lower than it should have been for someone with fellowship training. I sucked it up, knowing it was for a year, and vowed I would renegotiate for the following year. I love the people I work with, I love my patients, and I'm just not ready to leave this program yet.
So back to yesterday. I had gotten an email from the secretary of the Department Chair a couple weeks ago to set up a meeting -- I asked if it was about next year, she said yes, and I wrote back that she was clearly getting a head start! I figured she wanted to talk about changing needs of the division and where I could fit in best. But I was wrong. She just wanted to tell me that I won't be reappointed for next year -- she has to give me six months warning.
She started giving me a couple reasons -- basically all having to do with the one part of my job I never wanted to do and got suckered into doing (covering the well-baby nursery). I am sharing that aspect with another girl, and she was supposed to start in August but messed up and couldn't start til November. I thought I had been very flexible in covering a lot of extra days, but I could not cover the Jewish Holidays in October -- she was supposed to work those days, and I had always planned on being out. That was apparently not a team player thing to do, insist on someone else covering it. Then when I found out that I was being forced into keeping my Friday afternoon preceptor spot AND taking the Thursday night evening clinic spot, I had asked for Friday mornings as my administrative session, so I would be able to prepare for Shabbos. I had immediately followed that up by explaining I never intended to NOT be at work, but coming in at 8am is very different than coming in at 9:30am. She was apparently APPALLED that someone would ever ask for/state such a thing.
During the meeting, I started to explain myself on both of these. Then I just stopped. Why put in the effort to explain it? Clearly she's made her decision. She wants to hire people without any training to fill spots they are never going to keep past 1-2 years? Fine. She's making a HUGE mistake, when she would hire/keep people who have clear devotion to the program, a desire to stay in academics, and training for and the desire to do research and publish on behalf of her program. What an idiot. And a bitch.
After the BFP(s), and realizing how expesnive it would be to stay in NYC to raise a child, our plan had been to stay here another couple years, b/c I love the people I work with and my patients. After that we would move closer to my family, and Mr. W would be able to take "reciprocity" in a few other states -- pass the bar without studying for it, basically. So now my hand has been chosen for me, and we'll move this summer. I imagine we'll move sometime in August, when baby will be 8-10 weeks old. Hopefully to Atlanta, if I can find a job to start Sept/Oct. Since I won't be able to start July 1st, which is the start of the academic year, I have VERY little chance of finding an academic position. So on to private practice it is! Something I never wanted to do, but maybe I can find a part-time position that will likely pay what I'm making now to work 60 hours/week.
My assumption (and I need to find out for sure) is that I will get maternity leave through June 30th, when my contract expires. Then I"ll be on my own until starting something new. I was expecting 6 weeks paid/6 weeks unpaid, so really the loss is in the benefits -- and Cobra is freaking expensive, especially for 3 people. After 6 years there, I won't even get a full maternity leave!! Plus since the Jewish holidays are early in September this year, and it doesn't make sense to start a new job immediately by asking for 8 days off, I'll probably start something in October -- so an extra month with no pay/benefits. Plus moving expenses, and baby expenses! There goes all our savings. So I'm sure we'll be renting a place for a few years, and not buying anything. Oh well. (I could theoretically apply for unemployment, but only for as long as we are still in NY state and officially you have to be willing to accept a new job, which doesn't work for maternity leave -- so I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place there.)
It also means -- and I will for sure talk to my OB about this -- that if I go past my due date, I won't even get the 6 weeks of paid maternity leave. So either I can start leave early (before baby arrives), or I'll be looking at a non-medical reason for an induction. I'm guessing the former will end up happening, which is fine. It'll give me a firm "last day" and let me plan in terms of coverage and handing off my patients to other providers.
If this was going to happen, I guess now is the best time. I was prepared to not like what they were offering me and to leave anyway, but at least then it would have been my choice. But better to leave now and start over fresh now then to decide to leave after we have a full routine figured out with the baby. And now I REALLY don't feel bad about not buying/preparing for baby, since we'll likely be moving so soon -- no need to buy furniture or anything else that I don't absolutely need. Can buy it all once we have a place with enough room!
I didn't sleep well last night, so I called in sick today. Feels good to just hang out on my couch. I think I'm done wallowing -- although I'm not done with my anger toward the chair/department -- and ready to start figuring things out. Although Mr. W and I agreed to wait til January before really doing anything, since we are traveling so much this month. It's unlikely I'll be able to find a job now for October anyway, but I should start calling in contacts and everything. Sigh. Lots to do!
Coming later today: posts about being 17 weeks (anatomy scan!!), and about the future of this blog. :-)
Friday, November 16, 2012
The Sickies
I think I've mentioned on here already that I've had a cough for about the past 6 weeks (or more). I tried taking a few things -- mucinex, benadryl (to sleep), lots of honey, albuterol -- with little change. It's actually gotten a bit better over the past week; doesn't wake me from sleep anymore, I don't have crazy fits of coughing, and no more bruised ribs. Yay.
But then over the past few days, I've felt slightly worse sinus-wise. I took Zyrtec for a few days, hoping that would help. Then ran out of it and didn't get a chance to buy more. Oops.
Today I woke up feeling like crap. Sinus pain, headache, sore throat, eye pain, etc. A full blown cold. It happens -- to most adults, 4-6x/year. To a pediatrician with a built-up strong immune system, typically only 1-2x/year. But it happens.
Here's the problem: You can't take a lot of stuff while pregnant. No Sudafed. No Advil. No "hot toddy," my mom's miraculous cure for all that ails you.
Tylenol and Zyrtec can only do so much for a girl. The fact that I have to work all weekend is not helping -- I think a couple days in bed would probably be beneficial, but nope. Our census in the Well-Baby Nursery has been astronomical post-Sandy -- we took in all the NYU OB patients -- so instead of having 10-15 babies to see tomorrow morning, there will be upwards of 30. Shoot. Me. Now. And calling in sick in my job is next to impossible -- someone would have to cover for me, whether it be today or tomorrow, and it just doesn't happen. I had to lie through my teeth when in the midst of the miscarriage and needing to miss work. It's probably the worst part of my job (and the reason that I have 70 sick days saved up).
I do not mean to complain about how much it sucks to be pregnant and sick at the same time. I know a lot of people would kill to be pregnant, even with the sickies. But the persistent cough has put me in a bad place, and then this is just killer. On top of which I have been hating on my job. So I just needed a moment to complain.
And now I will go blow my nose (again), go to work, and pray for a miracle -- either I feel a lot better, or all the new mommies decide to go home early and no new babies are born all weekend. Ha.
But then over the past few days, I've felt slightly worse sinus-wise. I took Zyrtec for a few days, hoping that would help. Then ran out of it and didn't get a chance to buy more. Oops.
Today I woke up feeling like crap. Sinus pain, headache, sore throat, eye pain, etc. A full blown cold. It happens -- to most adults, 4-6x/year. To a pediatrician with a built-up strong immune system, typically only 1-2x/year. But it happens.
Here's the problem: You can't take a lot of stuff while pregnant. No Sudafed. No Advil. No "hot toddy," my mom's miraculous cure for all that ails you.
Tylenol and Zyrtec can only do so much for a girl. The fact that I have to work all weekend is not helping -- I think a couple days in bed would probably be beneficial, but nope. Our census in the Well-Baby Nursery has been astronomical post-Sandy -- we took in all the NYU OB patients -- so instead of having 10-15 babies to see tomorrow morning, there will be upwards of 30. Shoot. Me. Now. And calling in sick in my job is next to impossible -- someone would have to cover for me, whether it be today or tomorrow, and it just doesn't happen. I had to lie through my teeth when in the midst of the miscarriage and needing to miss work. It's probably the worst part of my job (and the reason that I have 70 sick days saved up).
I do not mean to complain about how much it sucks to be pregnant and sick at the same time. I know a lot of people would kill to be pregnant, even with the sickies. But the persistent cough has put me in a bad place, and then this is just killer. On top of which I have been hating on my job. So I just needed a moment to complain.
And now I will go blow my nose (again), go to work, and pray for a miracle -- either I feel a lot better, or all the new mommies decide to go home early and no new babies are born all weekend. Ha.
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