Sadness

I had been looking forward to my first OB appointment SO much this past month. 

On Sunday, I started having some very light spotting, as well as cramping. Neither one alone would have worried me, but the combination did. I took it easy, and called in sick on Monday (not an easy thing to do). By the afternoon, I was seeing bright red blood when I wiped. I spoke to another doc in the practice and she said to drink a lot, stay put, and come in today as scheduled. 

I was going back and forth between knowing it was bad news and thinking it might be okay news -- 50% of pregnancies have some bleeding, and only 15% chance of miscarriage, so the odds were in my favor, right? When the OB walked in she asked why I looked so nervous, and I told her the story (had already told the tech but I guess they didn't communicate). She didn't seem so concerned. Examined me and still wasn't concerned -- said it was just a tiny bit of blood and my cervix was closed.  Fine, I was getting hopeful.

Then she did the ultrasound, and could only find a sac measuring 5 weeks (I'm 7.4 weeks). She asked me several times if my dates could be off, but nope. I knew when my last period was (running around Athens), I know when I ovulated, and I know when I got my BFP. No question I should be measuring 7 weeks and seeing a heartbeat.

So 99% chance that I'm having a miscarriage now. It's probably early stages and will get worse before stopping. She said there's always a slim chance things will turn around, and she never calls a pregnancy over until it's really truly over. But seeing as how my dates are accurate, I truly doubt it (and seems like she does too). 

We talked about TTC in general, and some other questions I had. She drew blood and I'll go in next week for a repeat scan.  She said to come back after 2 more cycles if I'm not pregnant so she can run some tests. And that's about it. 

I feel incredibly sad right now. I know that this means the embryo just wasn't viable, and that in reality even the fact that it took 5 months to get pregnant to begin with is not so bad.  But I want to still be pregnant! I want to have a baby in March, not in May or June or September. I want to tell my Mom next week and my family next month. I want to go on a babymoon in November. Even though we didn't make a lot of plans, we had tons of them in our head.  And now we just have to start all over. 

So sad.

6 Week Bumpdate

How far along: 6 weeks & 2 days


Weight change: Up and down a couple pounds here and there depending on the day (and the bloating). I'm up about 16 lbs since the wedding, oops. 


What's up with me: The bloat is still there, especially at the end of the day. No nausea, but I get full on smaller amounts (and then hungry 1 hour later). Major fatigue! Progesterone is a sedative, apparently. Coupled with my crazy days at work and it's hard to stay up past 9pm. Also, my boobs are sometimes tender and sometimes look huge. Other times I still don't believe I'm pregnant.


What's up with the bean: The size of a (small) blueberry or sweet pea! 

Your baby is 0.16 to 0.2 inches long (4-5mm) when measured from crown to rump. It is now identifiable as a human baby. The limb buds are growing rapidly, developing into little fins with nodules at the ends which will eventually become fingers and toes. The arms have already differentiated into hand and shoulder segments.

The cerebral hemispheres of the brain are growing, and the eyes and nostrils are appearing. Your baby's heart bulges from its body and the heart chambers are divided and formed. Blood vessels now circulate blood throughout the whole body. The head looks large and is bent on the chest.

Your baby's face is forming, but its eyes are on the sides of its head and are still sealed. The discs that will become your baby's eyes will move over to the front of the face over the course of the next few months.

 

Bone cells are beginning to develop and the outline of the baby's nervous system is complete. The pigment in your baby's eyes can be seen under the skin overlaying them. By this point there is also a pancreas and an appendix. The tail is still visible, but it will soon fade. The umbilical cord is growing and the placenta is maturing as well.

Clothes: The bloat is crazy, so I bought a bella band and used it with a pair of jean trousers the other day. It felt awesome to not try to close the button tab!


What I miss: Nothing, really. Maybe rare meat -- I cooked my steak the other night past medium and it was gross.


What I'm looking forward to: First OB appointment on 7/31, still. I haven't stopped peeing on my sticks every-other day to make sure the line is still dark (I think I maxed it out but I'm just making sure it isn't changing). Also starting to think about how we are going to tell people, although that's 4-6 weeks away already. 


No pic until 8 weeks, I think. No need to show off my bloat.

Dreams

I'm not gonna do a 5 week bumpdate. Nothing has changed since last week.

Meanwhile, the past couple nights I've had scary vivid dreams about having a miscarriage (of course, I get up and run to the bathroom and everything is fine). And when I say "vivid," I mean it. It's freaking me out. I don't have any reason to think I might have a miscarriage, but I know the numbers and the odds of that happening. And every other bad thing. Mr. W tells me to "relax," but easier said than done! So I go from incredible elation and excitedness (is that a word? probably not) to being extremely cautious and not wanting to plan for *anything.*  And superstitious, of course -- I made sure he cut his nails in the shower last night.

Then my sister called me this AM to tell me that the last two nights she's dreamed of me with a baby! She said she wasn't sure if it was *my* baby or not, but seemed to be. Sorry, sis, that I couldn't say anything! That's pretty weird.  (I once dreamt of a friend being pregnant and emailed her about it -- and she got my email the same day she found out she was!) I'm just hoping that Big Sis' dreams are more accurate than mine right now.

And of course, my lack of symptoms isn't helping things. I'd even welcome morning sickness right now, just as confirmation that everything is going well. Instead, I keep POAS. Here is my latest progression for your viewing pleasure (the numbers indicate "days post ovulation." I thought the one on 11 was negative, but when I compared it later on there might have been something there. Below that is 12AM and 12PM -- that nighttime stick was what I showed Mr. W). The one from today (22) showed the test line before the control line! Made me happy, especially after my bad dream.

First Bumpdate!

I know it's early, but the not telling people anything is already annoying me, so I figured that's why I have this blog! I'm going to try to do bumpdates on Sundays. Enjoy. 


How far along: 4 weeks & 2 days


Weight change: I guess I should weight myself for a baseline. Ugh. 


What's up with me: Just gassy/bloated, not sure if that's pregnancy related. I have had a few moments of "hmm, maybe that's nausea, I'm not really sure" kind of feelings -- especially after a meal. I'm not expecting much for a couple weeks. 


What's up with the bean: The size of a poppyseed! 
At 4 weeks, your baby, now known as a blastocyst, is practically microscopic -- a teeny ball of cells. She's busy settling into her new home (your uterus), prepping for all the crucial development she'll be doing over the next six weeks.


Clothes: I had bought some bigger-sized pants last month b/c I've just gotten fat, so I'm hoping those will last a while. 


What I miss: sushi! I wish I had eaten a big sushi meal last week. Oh well. And I'm trying to wean myself off the Diet Cokes -- will allow one a day, if I really need it. 


What I'm looking forward to: First OB appointment on 7/31! The time is going to drag until then. Meanwhile, I'll just keep POAS to make sure my line is getting darker (it is). 


And not that there's anything to see here other than my fat, but here are a couple pics to use as a comparison as time goes on. (And you get to see the mess in my apartment behind me, oops) :-)

The Ides of March

Yup, that's real. I got a faint line yesterday, darker last night, and that's from this morning.

I think I'm still in shock (Mr. W, too). It's hard to get so excited when I know all the myriads of things that can go wrong. I told him "well it's early, so it could be nothing. Or it could be a little something."

So come on, little something, and burrow in deep -- and grow!! We are ready. :-)

And why the title of this post? B/c according to my last period, my due date will be 3/15/13.