Not Sure

So I'm really not sure what to do with this blog.

I originally created it thinking that I'd get pregnant within a few months and just share the link with friends/family. They'd be able to read everything, and then it would be a good place for updates during pregnancy and with baby. (I have a friend who sends an email out each week for BOTH of her kids, with a picture and a LONG story about what they did that week. It's annoying. At least with a blog people could read or not, depending on what they want to do.)

Then it took longer than I had figured to get my BFP. Followed by the miscarriage, and then all my feelings on pregnancy after loss.

While I'm not super secretive about the miscarriage -- I'd rather some people know about it, and I kinda feel like it's good for people to know so if it ever (G-d forbid) happened to them, they would know they could chat with me about it -- I don't want all the posts on here to be public to my friends & family. This has become a private space for me to share my feelings, and although I have some followers, it's an anonymous place for me to be.

Meanwhile, I'm not sure I truly fit in to the world of the infertile blogger. I got my first BFP on Cycle 5, and had an early loss. I then got another BFP immediately after. While I would have done testing at 6 months of no pregnancy, I never got there. I didn't have to deal with tests, and meds, and treatments. I didn't have to deal with recurrent pregnancy loss (thank GOODNESS). While struggling with a loss is certainly a difficult thing to do, and pregnancy after loss has its own world of emotions & fears, I'm not a pregnant infertile. I'm just a pregnant lady.

So here's what I'm thinking -- I'll start another blog, a public one for friends/family. I'll post the link over here when I do, so if anyone wants to continue to see pics and hear updates on the pregnancy/baby, you can do that. That's the only place where I'll post pics and share pregnancy or baby updates.  But I'll still keep this blog active -- although likely less so. It'll still be the place I come to when I need to share a personal struggle, problem, or question. Something I don't want to be public.

Does that make sense?

17 weeks (+ 1 day)

So here's what's going on with Curly (and me):

-- I've been feeling movement consistently for 2 weeks. Seems early, but my placenta is posterior so maybe that's helping. I can best describe it as being tickled from the inside, like with a long fingernail. During the ultrasound yesterday, I saw Curly moving as I was feeling it, so I know what I'm feeling is the baby moving. So weird! And so great. :-)

-- Fatigue hasn't gotten any better. After a long day at work, I will easily fall asleep on the couch around 8pm. I keep wanting to go to Yoga, but the classes are 6:30 - 8pm, and I don't know how I'd stay awake that long. I have 5 classes to use by the end of January; I guess worst case scenario I waste one or two. (Unfortunately, they have NO classes on Sundays! And pretty far for me to walk to go on a Saturday, it's 38 blocks.)

-- No cravings. I've actually had some bouts of nausea this past week, only at night. I doubt I'm eating as well as I should, but trying to get in some fruits and/or vegetables each day. And calcium. As of yesterday I had only gained 3 lbs on my home scale. Will see what doctor says next Tuesday. Here are a couple pics, I think I looked bigger last week actually but that the bump is moving upward now (I was also wearing a tighter tank-top last week).

-- Yesterday was our initial anatomy scan. They were testing out a new machine, so a guy who works for the company was in the room showing the tech all the fancy things it could do. And it was AWESOME! The quality of the images were amazing. You could see the difference between the bowels and the liver! We saw all the leaflets of the heart, the lenses on the eyes, the blood flow to the kidneys, all the fingers/toes, the knees and elbows -- seriously, every detail! You'll see from the pic that the quality was much better than the previous one.

(I can't decide if the face is in profile or looking at us. Looks more like an ear on the top than a nose, right? That graying streak by the mouth is b/c Mr. W folded the pic in his pocket while I was checking out.)

They said that everything was PERFECT. Curly weighs 7 ounces already! Still kinda hard to believe. We looked away when she scanned the genitalia, and I opted to not get a CD of the images b/c they would ALL be on there -- including the ones we don't want to see. So if we aren't going to look at the CD now, we for sure won't look at it after Curly arrives b/c wouldn't you rather look at the real baby? I will admit, it was super tempting to sneak a peak. But I'm happy to stay Team Green.

-- They also took blood yesterday (first stick!), for the final risk assessment for Down's and other anomalies. I'll get the results next week. Wasn't done at the hospital, so I can't look it up myself. I'm not worried, though.

-- We have a follow-up anatomy scan in 4 weeks -- well, closer to 5, b/c of the holidays. I like the way this place does the 3 scans as a series, and I don't even mind that b/c it's not at the hospital, I have to pay a little out of pocket ($60 for the NT scan). They are great there and it's so nice to see Curly doing so well.

-- I'm finally beginning to feel really attached to this pregnancy. I only think about the loss in terms of timing -- like how if I were due in March, I'd get a full maternity leave before leaving my job!! But otherwise, I feel like I'm so far out of the woods with this one that it's a little easier. (But it doesn't totally go away -- I did have a vision of them starting the scan to find that the baby was way too small and wouldn't survive.) I also think feeling movement makes a HUGE difference -- I can even feel when she responds to noises, or what I eat, or changes in my position! It's amazing.

-- I totally look pregnant. It's time to embrace my bump and not be so hung up on my size/weight gain. It's really hard; I've struggled with my weight my entire life. I saw a picture of my cousin who is due this month and immediately thought "OMG, I better not get that big!" But if the baby is healthy, that's all that matters, right? I can't do anything about my pre-pregnancy weight right now. So just need to enjoy the fact that Curly is growing inside me and not get so worried. Sigh.

-- We are traveling a LOT between now and 24 weeks, and I'm tired just thinking about it. Next weekend we leave for 2 days in Florida (visiting my family), then 5 nights in Jamaica! That is going to be unbelievable, I'm so excited. We have a week home, then flying to 'Bama for New Year's to see my grandparents again (my 90 year old grandpa hasn't been so great, so my mom insisted I find time to see him again before I couldn't travel, and this was seriously the only time). Will be home 2 weeks from that, then flying to Austin for 5 nights to visit my sister. Mr. W has never been there, so figured this would be a good chance for him to see it. After that, though, I imagine we won't go anywhere until July/August -- when we will probably be packing up and moving out of the city completely. It's gonna take me some time to get used to that.

Major Life Changes

All within one year's time:

• Get married -- check (December 11, 2011)
• Go on honeymoon -- check (January, 2012)
• Start TTC -- check (February, 2012)
• Move into new apartment -- check (March, 2012)
• Travel to Europe for 2 weeks -- check (May/June, 2012)
• Start new job as faculty member -- check (July, 2012)
• Get BFP -- check (July, 2012)
• Have a loss -- check (July, 2012)
• Get another BFP -- check (August, 2012)
• Deal with pregnancy after loss -- check (Sept/Oct/Nov, 2012)
• Lose job and decide to move to another state -- check (December, 2012)

Yup. Yesterday sucked big time. A little background -- when I graduated residency 2.5 years ago, I was told that to be hired in my division (general pediatrics), one had to complete a fellowship. So I arranged for a 2 year fellowship at my own program, with the promise of a faculty position at the end of those two years (as opposed to accepting a fellowship position at a better program at a different hospital).

Then, the person who hired me -- the chair of my division -- left our hospital. AND we got a new chair of the department. Rules changed. The following spring, they had shoes to fill in the division -- so they hired two girls who were straight out of residency, no fellowship training. Then one of those girls moved into a different spot after a year, so her job "opened up." When it came time to negotiate for my faculty position, they wanted to hire me to fill her spot. Which I didn't want to do! I have more training than that. But they dragged their feet for so long that I was basically forced into it -- it was too late to look for anything else. So I ended up with responsibilities that I didn't want, and a salary that was much lower than it should have been for someone with fellowship training. I sucked it up, knowing it was for a year, and vowed I would renegotiate for the following year. I love the people I work with, I love my patients, and I'm just not ready to leave this program yet.

So back to yesterday. I had gotten an email from the secretary of the Department Chair a couple weeks ago to set up a meeting -- I asked if it was about next year, she said yes, and I wrote back that she was clearly getting a head start! I figured she wanted to talk about changing needs of the division and where I could fit in best. But I was wrong. She just wanted to tell me that I won't be reappointed for next year -- she has to give me six months warning.

She started giving me a couple reasons -- basically all having to do with the one part of my job I never wanted to do and got suckered into doing (covering the well-baby nursery). I am sharing that aspect with another girl, and she was supposed to start in August but messed up and couldn't start til November. I thought I had been very flexible in covering a lot of extra days, but I could not cover the Jewish Holidays in October -- she was supposed to work those days, and I had always planned on being out. That was apparently not a team player thing to do, insist on someone else covering it. Then when I found out that I was being forced into keeping my Friday afternoon preceptor spot AND taking the Thursday night evening clinic spot, I had asked for Friday mornings as my administrative session, so I would be able to prepare for Shabbos. I had immediately followed that up by explaining I never intended to NOT be at work, but coming in at 8am is very different than coming in at 9:30am. She was apparently APPALLED that someone would ever ask for/state such a thing.

During the meeting, I started to explain myself on both of these. Then I just stopped. Why put in the effort to explain it? Clearly she's made her decision. She wants to hire people without any training to fill spots they are never going to keep past 1-2 years? Fine. She's making a HUGE mistake, when she would hire/keep people who have clear devotion to the program, a desire to stay in academics, and training for and the desire to do research and publish on behalf of her program. What an idiot. And a bitch.

After the BFP(s), and realizing how expesnive it would be to stay in NYC to raise a child, our plan had been to stay here another couple years, b/c I love the people I work with and my patients. After that we would move closer to my family, and Mr. W would be able to take "reciprocity" in a few other states -- pass the bar without studying for it, basically. So now my hand has been chosen for me, and we'll move this summer. I imagine we'll move sometime in August, when baby will be 8-10 weeks old. Hopefully to Atlanta, if I can find a job to start Sept/Oct. Since I won't be able to start July 1st, which is the start of the academic year, I have VERY little chance of finding an academic position. So on to private practice it is! Something I never wanted to do, but maybe I can find a part-time position that will likely pay what I'm making now to work 60 hours/week.

My assumption (and I need to find out for sure) is that I will get maternity leave through June 30th, when my contract expires. Then I"ll be on my own until starting something new. I was expecting 6 weeks paid/6 weeks unpaid, so really the loss is in the benefits -- and Cobra is freaking expensive, especially for 3 people. After 6 years there, I won't even get a full maternity leave!! Plus since the Jewish holidays are early in September this year, and it doesn't make sense to start a new job immediately by asking for 8 days off, I'll probably start something in October -- so an extra month with no pay/benefits. Plus moving expenses, and baby expenses! There goes all our savings. So I'm sure we'll be renting a place for a few years, and not buying anything. Oh well. (I could theoretically apply for unemployment, but only for as long as we are still in NY state and officially you have to be willing to accept a new job, which doesn't work for maternity leave -- so I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place there.)

It also means -- and I will for sure talk to my OB about this -- that if I go past my due date, I won't even get the 6 weeks of paid maternity leave. So either I can start leave early (before baby arrives), or I'll be looking at a non-medical reason for an induction. I'm guessing the former will end up happening, which is fine. It'll give me a firm "last day" and let me plan in terms of coverage and handing off my patients to other providers.

If this was going to happen, I guess now is the best time. I was prepared to not like what they were offering me and to leave anyway, but at least then it would have been my choice. But better to leave now and start over fresh now then to decide to leave after we have a full routine figured out with the baby. And now I REALLY don't feel bad about not buying/preparing for baby, since we'll likely be moving so soon -- no need to buy furniture or anything else that I don't absolutely need. Can buy it all once we have a place with enough room!

I didn't sleep well last night, so I called in sick today. Feels good to just hang out on my couch. I think I'm done wallowing -- although I'm not done with my anger toward the chair/department -- and ready to start figuring things out. Although Mr. W and I agreed to wait til January before really doing anything, since we are traveling so much this month. It's unlikely I'll be able to find a job now for October anyway, but I should start calling in contacts and everything. Sigh. Lots to do!

Coming later today: posts about being 17 weeks (anatomy scan!!), and about the future of this blog. :-)

The Sickies

I think I've mentioned on here already that I've had a cough for about the past 6 weeks (or more). I tried taking a few things -- mucinex, benadryl (to sleep), lots of honey, albuterol -- with little change. It's actually gotten a bit better over the past week; doesn't wake me from sleep anymore, I don't have crazy fits of coughing, and no more bruised ribs. Yay.

But then over the past few days, I've felt slightly worse sinus-wise. I took Zyrtec for a few days, hoping that would help. Then ran out of it and didn't get a chance to buy more. Oops.

Today I woke up feeling like crap. Sinus pain, headache, sore throat, eye pain, etc. A full blown cold. It happens -- to most adults, 4-6x/year. To a pediatrician with a built-up strong immune system, typically only 1-2x/year. But it happens.

Here's the problem: You can't take a lot of stuff while pregnant. No Sudafed. No Advil. No "hot toddy," my mom's miraculous cure for all that ails you.

Tylenol and Zyrtec can only do so much for a girl. The fact that I have to work all weekend is not helping -- I think a couple days in bed would probably be beneficial, but nope. Our census in the Well-Baby Nursery has been astronomical post-Sandy -- we took in all the NYU OB patients -- so instead of having 10-15 babies to see tomorrow morning, there will be upwards of 30. Shoot. Me. Now. And calling in sick in my job is next to impossible -- someone would have to cover for me, whether it be today or tomorrow, and it just doesn't happen. I had to lie through my teeth when in the midst of the miscarriage and needing to miss work. It's probably the worst part of my job (and the reason that I have 70 sick days saved up).

I do not mean to complain about how much it sucks to be pregnant and sick at the same time. I know a lot of people would kill to be pregnant, even with the sickies. But the persistent cough has put me in a bad place, and then this is just killer. On top of which I have been hating on my job. So I just needed a moment to complain.

And now I will go blow my nose (again), go to work, and pray for a miracle -- either I feel a lot better, or all the new mommies decide to go home early and no new babies are born all weekend. Ha.

I'm the worst type of blogger....

You know, the type who lets LIFE get in the way of BLOGGING. It's horrible!! It's been nearly two weeks since I posted anything, and those two weeks have been crazy busy. Not a good excuse, but the only one I have. I'll try to bring you up to speed.

1) Curly is doing great. My NT scan last week was great, other than this babe not cooperating at all and doing headstands rather than posing on his side for a good measurement. (The tech kept telling me to cough to get the babe to move -- um, lady, that won't work in someone who's been coughing non-stop for over a month. Sure 'nuff, when I'd cough, Curly wouldn't even flinch.) Measured a day ahead. Combined with my bloodwork, my risk for Down's is 1:8500 and for Trisomy 13/18 is < 1:10,000. I have the risks of a 20 year old! Too bad I don't have the body of a 20 year old to go along with that. Although we had great images during the scan, when the tech went to get one to print for us she got a HORRIBLE shot. Here is that awful pic, labeled so you don't think Curly has a hooked beak as a nose (and no, the head is not really bigger than the entire body. Again, horrible image!):

The following day we had my regularly scheduled OB appointment, where they did little other than test my pee, get a weight/blood pressure, and check for the heartbeat. Since I do that last one at home all the time, Mr. W wasn't terribly impressed and thought the whole thing was "boring." I told him he didn't have to come to all the appointments anymore unless he wanted to, so we'll see.

2) After the good NT scan, I started telling people at work and my family and friends. Very exciting! Still haven't spoken to some of my long-distance friends. I figure the news will spread slowly. I'm not planning on making any kind of FB announcement -- I HATE that crap from other people --  but I'm sure at some point I'll announce as an "aside," like "why didn't anyone tell me that maternity jeans are so comfortable?" (They are. the. most. comfortable. jeans. ever. Except for the falling down all the time part.)

3) Today I'm 14.1 weeks. Bump picture below. I'm only wearing maternity clothes (during the day) now -- I could probably still squeeze into a couple pairs of pants, but why be so uncomfortable? I'm loving leggings/tunics/uggs and might end up in that for quite a bit this winter. I definitely look more pregnant in maternity clothes, b/c I have the type where the band sits under the bump, emphasizing it. I had 35% off to Old Navy and 40% off at Gap recently, so I've totally stocked up! Should be good for a few months. :-) I wore maternity Spanx under a dress for a wedding last weekend, and I think they made me look even more pregnant -- held me in everywhere but the tummy. Good timing on the "coming out" part.

4) I'm not even less tired. In fact, I just wrote this post halfway through, then fell asleep on the couch. Seriously!! Isn't it supposed to get better in the 2nd trimester?!

5) We had a tour of a daycare today. I cannot believe those words. The waiting lists here are crazy, so I was told to sign up for a tour early (and my co-worker who is due in March couldn't get a tour til January, so somehow I lucked out). After the tour, she said I'm not really on a list until after the baby is born and to call back then, but to pay my $25 fee now. Really? Doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I feel like I'll be calling to check in February/March anyway. Also: crazy expensive!! We can't afford to stay in the city.

6) I have a lot more I've been planning to say. Maybe I will have time tomorrow. I'll try to not be the worst blogger ever in the world. Swear.

Liebster = Dearest

I have a whopping FOUR followers. Y'all, that shit is exciting! One of them, over at fromheretomotherhood, nominated me for my first award! So exciting. The "Liebster" (which means dearest in German) is for bloggers with <200 followers. I think I might win the award for fewers followers! But it's fun to be a part of this.

Since most of the bloggers I follow have also recently been nominated for this, I"m not going to specifically nominate anyone at the bottom. Instead, I'm going to post my 11 questions for you and hope you'll respond in the comments section. Would love to know a little bit more about my readers, whether you also blog or not!

Here goes:

1. What was the last good book you read?

I read TONS, and have many recommendations if anyone ever needs any. I've been on a YA kick lately -- after the Hunger Games trilogy, I devoured Matched/Crossed (the 3rd book comes out next week), the Uglies series, and most recently Divergent/Insurgent (no idea on when the 3rd comes out). What I love about all these books is that the brave protagonists are all teenage girls! Amazing. Other recent books I've loved: State of Wonder (my pick for this month's book club), Shadow of Night (sequel to Discover of Witches), and the newest Baldacci novel, Panther, was pretty fun. Also, for everyone still TTC, you should read Impatient Woman's Guide to Getting Pregnant, which I have a review on previously. 

2. What is the favorite city/country you have ever traveled to?

Tough one, I've been to so many amazing places. LOVE Costa Rica, where we went on our honeymoon this past January (and I had been 10 years previously with my mom & sister). Would go back Israel in a heartbeat -- our trip last summer, when we got engaged, was my 11th trip there, I think. Maybe more? I've had a lot of one-day trips to cities in Europe, on a cruise 5 years ago and again this May, and I'd go back to (in no particular order): Bruge, Paris, Amsterdam, Venice, Greek Isles, Istanbul. 

3. If there was one word you could choose out of the dictionary,  which one would you choose to best describe yourself?

HARD question! Stubborn, probably. I am stubborn when I want something -- like a scholarship to college, or a good med school or residency spot, or a good job. I'm stubborn when it comes to relationships -- insisting that others give if they are going to take. I was stubborn with TTC! I don't think it's always a bad thing. I'm definitely a Capricorn, but I think I can also be incredible flexible when need be, which is a really positive thing. 

4. What’s your biggest pet peeve?

I hate redundancies -- like saying "ATM (automated teller machine) Machine" or "MRN (medical record number) Number" -- totally drives me crazy. I also hate when Mr. W leaves dirty socks by the couch. 

5. What was the biggest lesson you learned so far while TTC?

Distraction can be a great thing. If I didn't have TV shows that I love, and a good book always available, and many trips planned, I would have gone crazy. Going to Disneyworld the day after my miscarriage was the best thing we could have done. You have to have other things to focus on or else you won't get through the day. 

6. Tell me something quirky about you?

I definitely have OCPD -- "obsessive compulsive personality disorder," which is different than OCD in that your compulsions don't take over your life. For instance, I used to HATE when the shampoo and conditioner bottles weren't even (I finally got over that one when I learned to only wash my thick, curly hair a couple times a week but to condition daily -- so now I buy a bigger conditioner bottle). My day planner in med school was organized with assignments that were color coded for each class. I've definitely gotten better about these quirks over the years, though. :-)

7. Who or what’s been your biggest influence throughout your life?

There are a couple, both dating back to my elementary school days. I had a principal and a teacher who were very influential in my life -- pushing me to my best academically and helping me as I struggled with religious issues. The principal passed away a few years ago, and I think about her quite frequently. The teacher is someone with whom I still have a very close relationship, as well as all her kids. They are like my little siblings. 

8. Do you have a bucket list? If so, what’s the most ridiculous thing  on it?

My dream in life is to be part of a Flash Mob. 

9. What do you do for a living?

I'm a pediatrician. It's gotten hard to give people parenting advice everyday without one of my own. 

10. How many kids would you like in total?

Actually a hard question for me right now. If you had asked me this when I was in college, I would have said 6! (Mr. W will still say 6, b/c he has 5 siblings and he thinks it's perfect). But I'll be 33 when Curly arrives, and I have no idea who it'll be TTC again after that. Plus the finances are going to be tough as long as both of us have lots of debt. I imagine at least 3, and I've always said it's better to have an even number so no one has to ride alone on roller coasters, but turns out Mr. W can't handle roller coasters very well (he gets motion sick) so that might be a moot point. 

11. If you won 50 million (which is the current jackpot amount of the lottery here) what are the first things you’d do with it? 

Pay off our debt. Buy a house. Put the rest in savings. And probably not work for a year after Curly arrives. 

OKAY -- here are my questions for all my readers. Please feel free to respond to all, some, or none. I'm tempted to answer all of these myself as well, b/c they are super fun. Maybe another post: 

1. Do you have a nickname? What is it and where did it come from?

2. What is your secret TV obsession? (we all have one, so out with it)

3. Do you have a favorite color? If so, how do you express it? 

4. Where would you go on your dream vacation? 

5. If you had a sudden day off, what would you do with it? 

6. If you could have ANY animal as a pet (exotic or domestic, even extinct): which one, and why? 

7. What's your LEAST favorite holiday, and why? 

8. What is the best present you've ever received?

9. What is the worst present you've ever received? 

10. What is your earliest memory?

11. Okay, having trouble coming up with an 11th question....how about "what's one thing that your friends IRL don't know about you?" 

Apologies and Followers and Sandy

I am a terrible blogger. I couldn't even keep up with ICLW last week -- I just get home from work SO FRIGGIN TIRED every day. Opening up the laptop to even look at other blogs and leaving comments just seems like too much work. Ugh! I keep waiting for the fatigue to get better, as I've read it's supposed to do, but it was definitely worse the last two weeks. Too exhausted to even want dinner most nights. It's sad.

Meanwhile, I figured out that although I follow a lot of blogs, no one *knows* that I'm following them b/c I do so under my regular gmail account, not this one. It's actually a pain in my butt, b/c I follow some people who I know IRL -- and don't want them to know about this account/blog -- but I want other bloggers in this world to know I exist and read them consistently. So I'm going to set myself up with two windows and start following a bunch of blogs under this account. Then I'll switch over my iPhone RSS app to this account, so I can keep updated on the go. For the people I follow IRL, I'll just check online with the other account. Painful and complicated, right?

And finally, a Sandy update. We are lucky enough to live in a neighborhood that wasn't terribly affected in NYC -- never lost power, water, or even cable! But the City has been crazy the past few days. I didn't have to work Monday or Tuesday (and happily spent the majority of that time on my couch), but I came in yesterday and it took me FOREVER to get here on a city bus. It was hot and crowded and I felt miserable -- I just kept wishing I actually looked pregnant so someone would offer me a seat (not that people always do that, but sometimes). It took me an hour both ways, standing in really awkward positions and boiling hot both times. At least today it was easier, got a seat on the bus in the AM and took me *less* time than usual to get to work b/c there wasn't even any school traffic!

The worst part -- being completely selfish here -- is that my NT scan that was supposed to be on Tuesday got cancelled. And they couldn't rebook me until next Monday. I have been waiting for that before I start announcing and it's totally killing me to wait another week! Good thing I didn't plan on a big Halloween reveal, like some other people due in May on the FF pages. It also means that I have that on Monday and my OB appt on Tuesday -- and originally the plan was to space them out so I could have more "reassurance." But Tuesday's appointment is with the OB that I love, and she'll be gone the week after, so I'd rather just keep the appointment. I am using my Doppler basically every day, so I know Curly's heart is still ticking, at least. Right at 160 beats/minute. :-)

I'm just ready to be done with the first trimester! I've read varying opinions on if the 2nd trimster starts at the beginning of 12 weeks, 13 weeks, or even 14 weeks -- so I'm going with lucky 13, which will be on Tuesday. I am beyond thrilled to have made it to 12 weeks with no issues and a strong heartbeat, but I will be much more thrilled when everyone else knows. It is SO hard to be at work sometimes -- yesterday I had to "smile and nod" my way through discussions on why maternity pants are the best (as I stood there with my pants buttoned through a rubber band), why certain OB's are great (including mine), and then had to try to explain away the fact that I haven't taken anything stronger for my persistent cough (going on 4 weeks). So difficult! Argh.

Okay, going to go deal with the whole mayhem of following/followers. Some of you are going to notice a new follower today but realize I've been following you for a long time!

ETA: Yikes, so turns out that when I "subscribe" on my RSS, it doesn't show up that I'm a follower (I tested this by subscribing to myself). I think I might have to go through all my blogs one-by-one and "follow" from the sites, instead of adding through my reader. What a pain in the ass! Will have to do it another time when I have a free hour....which might be a month from now. Oops.

My Brain is Whack

Seriously. Some of the things that go through this brain are totally crazy. Here is a sampling, from this week, in no particular order:

-- How are we going to get the baby home from the hospital? I am not sure 7 months is enough time to figure this out. We don't have a car, it's too far to walk (35 min walk home from the hospital on a good day), and not going to take public transportation. Putting a carseat into a cab is never completely safe. Maybe a zipcar? But then Mr. W will have to figure out how to install the carseat base before driving it back to the hospital. SERIOUSLY -- WHY AM I WONDERING THIS NOW??

-- Which well-baby nurse will I get to care for my babe? I really like some of them, and I really hate some of them. It's enough of an issue that I think about requesting a certain floor post-partum. But then it also depends on the day of the week. AGAIN -- why the hell is this bothering me now?

-- Am I eating healthy enough? Probably not. I went all weekend with no vegetables. Had a salad on Monday. No veggies yesterday or today. That's awful, right? I'm not nauseous anymore, but typically only carbs (or chocolate) sound appealing. I should force myself to eat healthier. Maybe some V8 in the mornings?

-- Am I harming my unborn child by drinking diet soda? Artificial sweetener is something that a lot of people avoid. But I have a soda (diet and decaf) nearly every day. Sometimes more than one. It gets me through the day without the need of caffeine. So which is worse?

-- Can I overdo it with the Doppler? My doc seemed to imply that a couple times a week was fine. But I've used it everyday this week. It's HARD to get through the days without that reassurance.

-- Will we be able to afford to stay in NYC another year, as I'd really like to do? Childcare is crazy expensive, and I don't make enough at my job (another story for another day). Mr. W is self-employed and there's no guarantee of income on a regular basis. We both have debts we are paying off. I guess I could always defer my loans for a year of financial hardship, but it's a tough decision. Mr. W would like to move but I actually like my job most days (and love the people I work with), and I'm not ready to give that up.

-- Why the hell is Shondra Rhimes such an idiot? I've watched "Grey's Anatomy" and "Private Practice" for years and years. Typically I don't let the medical inaccuracies bother me that much (with a few exceptions). *PP SPOILER ALERT*  It's bad enough that she let the woman who has never wanted kids get pregnant, with TRIPLETS, while on an IUD. The odds of that happening are 19 gazillion to 1. But then on last night's episode, she showed a woman who had her 4th miscarriage -- and one doctor (the ob/gyn) was trying to convince the other doctor (the RE) that it was time to push her toward "alternatives," that it was too much to put one woman through.  First of all, I had a hard time with the depiction of the loss (after 12 weeks, when they "finally told everyone"). Excuse me while I cry. But then to talk about trying to tell her to stop? I do not count myself as lucky for having had a miscarriage, but I guess I'm lucky that it was only 1 and that we got pregnant again so fast. This storyline just hurt me so much. What would I do if I had 4 losses? Would I keep trying? They didn't discuss there being any cause for her losses, so I guess it would certainly depend on that. It just made me mad!

-- I am so glad I don't live in East London during the 1950's. I've started watching "Call the Midwife," a BBC show that is on PBS here in the US. It's very interesting, but also makes me very sad. *Again, spoiler alert* Last week there was a prostitute who was pregnant, and they found a safe place for her until she delivered. Then they took her baby away without permission b/c she was only 15! This week a woman lost her baby and then died herself at 26 weeks from toxemia (eclampsia). I cry, and blame it on hormones. It would probably be healthier if I didn't watch it.

-- How will people respond when I tell them about the pregnancy? How many people will say "I knew it!" Should I tell people after the NT scan next week, or wait til my 13 week appt/start of 2nd trimester?

-- There was a recent study that showed that babies born to moms who had bad morning sickness had higher IQ's. So does the fact that I had very mild nausea only mean I'm going to have a stupid kid?

-- When should I start playing music to my belly? Should I buy special headphones for this?

Okay, I think that's enough for now. I'm sure there is a lot more crazy hidden in my brain, but it was cathartic to write it all out. Kinda like when little kids "shake the wiggles out" -- I feel like I just did that with my head. :-)

I'm a slacker

So here's the problem: If possible, I think my fatigue has gotten WORSE the past week or so! It's crazy. The cough I've had for 3.5 weeks isn't helping any. So I had this entire post planned yesterday, and fell asleep on my couch instead. Which means today you get two posts.

Here are just some pictures of my pudge. For comparison is the pic I took at 4 weeks with the miscarriage, so I'm using it as my reference. I had gained a few pounds that month, then lost about 5 before the 2nd BFP, so it was probably about the same. I think the fact that I haven't taken any "bump" pictures or done any kind of "bumpdates" is a sign of how much harder it is to get excited this time around. But I know if I *don't* do it, I'll regret it later on.

Okay, so now that we've set that up: the next 2 pics are from the first day I wore maternity pants (which kept falling down), in the AM on 9w6d:

Then here is exactly a week later, where I'm wearing a maternity tunic & regular leggings. Again, pic taken in the AM.

And finally, here is a bump picture, in the same pants as the original one. I'll try to use the same pants each week from now on. Not sure about showing skin, but the little pooch is definitely more noticeable if I put the pants below it. But you still get the idea. I think you can also tell my boobs are bigger than the original pic. This was taken after work. I look biggest right before bed (after dinner).

Getting dressed in the mornings has become a real trial. The maternity pants don't want to stay up. Regular pants won't button (I have a couple that will close with the rubber band as the button, but not many anymore. The jeans I bought a size-up post-miscarriage still fit, but are snug). Anything that I do in the AM feels awful by lunchtime. The leggings the other day were great, but I don't have enough tops I can wear with leggings so my options are limited. My mom just spent a shitload of $$ at the Motherhood outlet, and I should be getting that soon. It'll just be a lot easier when I go public with the news and don't feel the need to hide the pooch!

Curly

I haven't mentioned why we are calling the fetus "Curly." When I told my sister the news, she asked if she could pick the name. Um, nope! But I said she could pick the nickname.  She was naming some options one afternoon and I misheard her and thought she said "Curly." I said that was pretty funny, and her response was that it would be easier once we knew if it was a boy or girl. I said "well, we won't be finding that out until it arrives, but one thing we know for sure -- this child will have curly hair." (Mr. W and I both have heads full of thick curls, and on one of our first dates I mentioned that our children "would be doomed." He cracked up.)

So here you go: Curly (you see the "crosshairs" at the top/bottom, which was measuring CRL = crown-rump length. That gives an estimate of age. The official report on the bottom of the pic was 9.1 +/- 3d, and I should have been 9w3d. But you can see she didn't get the crosshairs directly on the top of the head, so I think it's a wash.)

Still Finding it Hard

So even at nearly 11 weeks, and able to find a heartbeat in under a minute on my home Doppler, I'm having a hard time getting excited about this pregnancy.  The happiness/optimism/excitement tends to come in spurts -- like yesterday when Mr. W and I took an afternoon walk and were watching some kids play on a playground nearby. He was asking how old a kid has to be to go in the sandbox, and was doing the calculations in his head to figure out how long it'll be before we are those parents. At times like that I do think to myself, "Wow, before it's summer again I'm going to have an actual baby of my own." And I get excited.

But a lot of the time, I'm still mourning the baby that will never be -- the one whom we would have met in March, not May. I'm mourning how far along I'd be in my pregnancy -- 19 weeks already! Almost halfway. I also sometimes mourn all the months when we had BFN's and what that could have been. Last night, some friends of ours came over and we ordered pizza/watched a movie. She is 39 weeks pregnant. They are the ones who started TTC the same month we did -- and got pregnant right away. The one who said her doc remarked that she must be "super fertile." I haven't seen her since July, when I was pregnant the first time. I was excited then and it was hard to hide it from her. Then I had the loss, and I couldn't stand to be around them. She's been trying to make plans with us for a while so I finally gave in, and it was fine. Mr. W had a hard time keeping his mouth closed so I'm sure when I do tell them, she'll say "I had a hunch." (He started telling them how I wouldn't let him ride his bike b/c it could affect sperm count, and they were talking about their childbirth class and he asked if we were going to do one.) Anyway, it was still more sad than happy being with them. I could be due next week, if I were "super fertile" like she was! Or do in the next couple months. Or on March 15th. Argh. Doesn't help that she's a super-cute pregnant person, with this awesome bump and not a trace of fat anywhere else on her body. (She is having a boy, which upholds that old wives' tale.)

But here's the thing -- I AM pregnant. And I'm due on 5/14/13. And that's a pretty exciting thing, right? And I will get to experience everything I'm supposed to experience. Just not when I thought I would -- but at the right time. Curly is growing, and moving, and doing everything that s/he's supposed to be doing. My body hasn't - yet - failed me this time around. I have no reason to think that it would, right? At some point, I will just start being a happy pregnant lady and stop being in mourning for the loss. I know it. I'm just not there yet.

10 Weeks

I haven't been as good about blogging as I thought I would be. But here is an update and then some thoughts. Meanwhile, I KNOW people are reading this -- Google tells me so -- but no one is commenting! Please let me know you are here, I would love to respond back and even answer your questions in subsequent posts.

So last Friday we had another appointment with my OB, and everything was great. Curly was measuring right on track and we even saw his/her arms waving at us! (The OB kinda chuckled and said "look, you can see it moving.") She told us that with adequate growth between appointments and a good heartbeat, our chances of a miscarriage now are less than 2%. That was incredibly reassuring.  I'll post the pic later (when I'm not at work).

I go in 2 weeks from today for the NT scan, which combined with blood tests that I mail to them ahead of time, will give us our risk for the baby having Down's Syndrome or another chromosomal abnormality.  Mr. W commented the other night that we haven't discussed what we would do with any bad results, and I said "I don't really want to discuss it, do you?" My doc said that at my "young age" I shouldn't worry too much, but if you look at the statistics there are way more babies with Down's born to younger moms than older moms (b/c younger moms have more babies). Anyway, I'm not going to worry about it until the day of the scan. The nice thing is because I send them my blood work, we get full results the same day and can even proceed to CVS if necessary right then.

My nausea has pretty much abated, although a strong smell can still set it off for a few minutes. I'm up half a pound per my home scale, and none of my pants will close. I tried maternity pants yesterday but they kept falling down, so back to the rubber-band thing today. I tried the Bella Band this AM on pants with a hook/eye closure (so no rubber-band trick), but I couldn't stand the pants being completely undone and I thought you could see it through the Band. Sigh. I think it'll be easier in a couple weeks when I start announcing. I definitely need more longer tops, though, to hide either the open button or the maternity panel. Ordered a couple more things from Old Navy yesterday and my Mom is eager to go shopping for me at the Outlet mall in Florida later this week. I guess I could also start going through my clothes and getting rid of things -- if they didn't fit me this past summer, it's gonna be a long time before they fit again, right? I also should probably get new bras one of these days. I'm barely fitting into my old ones -- and only a few of those.

I've heard the heartbeat a few more times at home, too. Easier to find each time, the other day took me less than a minute. I'm trying to limit myself to just a couple times/week. Can't wait til I feel movement!

So many things I'm looking forward to right now. While I'm still slightly nervous about losing the pregnancy, I feel more reassured each day. Things I can't wait for:
-- Announcing: to the rest of the family, my friends, and people at work.
-- Being able to wear some clothes that don't have to stay open or fall down and having a cute bump
-- Said Bump allowing me to get a seat on the crowded bus/subway! Some mornings I am pretty light-headed and it's hard to stand on a crowded bus. Argh.
-- NT scan in 2 weeks, then OB appt the week after
-- Feeling movement!
-- Our vacation in December to Jamaica (guess it's our "Babymoon")

The Little Engine that Could

So I caved in and did something last week that I said I'd never do -- I ordered a home fetal doppler kit, to chec k the heartbeat myself. I'm sure if I never had the loss I wouldn't have needed to do that, but even waiting the two weeks between appointments was taxing me too much.

The kit came Friday and I tried to find the HB for about 30 min. No luck at 8w3d, which is still pretty early by any standards. Just heard the "whoosh whoosh" noise of my own blood flow.

This morning I decided to try again. I used headphones, as I've read that will help find the HB during the early weeks.  I also put my hips up on a couple pillows, to tilt everything down out of my pelvis. And after about 1 minute, I heard it! That amazing little "chugga chugga" noise that sounds just like a little choo-choo train to me. I pulled out the headphones and Mr. W was able to hear it as well. Right in the 170's bpm (didn't get a good reading b/c it was so faint). At the u/s last week, we only saw the flickering -- no speakers on the machine. So hearing that noise was pure bliss. I got teary. Our little "Curly" has got some rhythm!

Just Having a Sucky Day

Today just blows. For a lot of reasons.  But first of all, nothing has changed with this pregnancy -- still no spotting, still mild nausea. Not fitting into most of my pants although I've lost a couple pounds. (Almost refused to go out the other day because I had nothing to wear.)

But today I woke up worried about money. Which I hate being worried about. I am a pediatrician and I'm severely underpaid for what I do and my level of training, plus the enormous amount of debt I have to get here. It wouldn't be such a big deal if 1) we didn't live in NYC and 2)Mr. W had a regular salaried job. But he works for himself and has some good months, some bad months. But we've been doing fine, and managed to save a little bit and travel and everything like that. But right now, he has a debt that is going to cost us about $1200/month. My loans are apparently starting to come due now, and not next May as I thought -- another $700 a month (and it will go up). Childcare, even at the hospital's subsidized program, will be over $1400/month. Plus other expenses -- like clothes, and toys, and a crib and stroller and stuff. We are looking at more than $4000/month in extra expenses! Where the hell will we get that money? So it's looking like we have no choice but to a) move out of the city and b) I get a job in private practice. Which I've always hated the thought of doing. Argh.

And then I just came into my office, which I share with a lovely admin type, to get some forms/letters done for my patients. She told me she's pregnant and due toward the end of March. Which just makes me sad, b/c we totally would have been due date buddies and could have gone through everything together! When will I be able to stop being sad about my loss and start rejoicing in my current pregnancy? Then it got worse, b/c she sat here with a friend (who used to work here) and talked about pregnancy stuff, and the friend's prior miscarriage and fears related to being pregnant, etc etc.  I couldn't deal. I left the room at one point but really needed to get my work done! Sigh.

This will all get easier, right? People make ends meet somehow and deal with losses and everything else? I'm just really sad today. And still have another 5 hours of work. I think I will need chocolate.

Meet our Little Blob

We saw a perfect heartbeat and measuring exactly on schedule -- 7 weeks today. (The doc was impressed with my dating since by LMP I'd be 8 weeks.) 

Got lots of blood drawn -- but only stuck once, so that was awesome too. 

She said to come back in 2 weeks, since "telling someone who just had a loss to come back in 4 weeks is cruel." I'll be back at 9w3d and we'll get to see the blob again. 

I'm starting to feel more comfortable about this pregnancy. We never saw a heartbeat last time - it had stopped growing at around 5 weeks -- so this is pretty great news. The miscarriage risk is now around 5%, and will drop lower day by day. 

I'm also definitely more symptomatic -- waves of nausea, where I feel like I'd feel better if I were to just throw-up but I don't. I can still make myself eat, but smells can be bad. Thirsty a lot, and peeing a lot. 

I think I'll tell my Mom this afternoon -- my sister knows, and one of my best friends guessed over the weekend (oops), so we should bring her in on the secret as well. That makes it most real to me, I think. 

How things are different

After my miscarriage, I wrote about how I was scared the next time I got pregnant, it wouldn't have the "bright and shiny" feeling that your first pregnancy has. I was right, and wrong in some ways.

This time around, I haven't downloaded any pregnancy apps or signed up for any websites (as I predicted in the previous post). I have no idea what size fruit my embryo resembles this week -- which quite possibly already makes me a bad mommy. And yes, I hold my breath every time I wipe, as I'm so scared of seeing some spotting.

There's a part of me that is clearly distancing myself from this pregnancy, just in case it ends in a loss again. No attachment --> no grief, right? If i don't know too much about what's going on inside -- whether or not there are ears, or limb buds, or a beating heart -- then it's not a real thing at all.

But there is a part of me that's incredibly hopeful. Although my symptoms are still mild, they are still way more present than last time. My test lines are still darkening (yes, I still POAS every few days, I can't help it).  It is quite possible that I might actually have a baby sometime next May.  Stop, turn around 3 times, and spit. I can't even think that way! Argh. See, even typing it out is stressful.

Appointment is on Tuesday morning. I just have to get through the rest of today at work (with my new iPhone waiting for me at home), the weekend (full of working in the AM, book club, and the Emmy's on Sunday night), and then a full day at work on Monday.  4 more sleeps. I started spotting at 7w2d last time, and the appointment is on 7w exactly, but I just keep thinking that if I can make it til Tuesday -- and see a heartbeat on the ultrasound -- then I can relax. Slightly.

Finally: Readers, I know you are out there! My stats keep going up. But no one is commenting! I forgot to sign up for ICLW this month (Jewish Holidays are really messing with me), but I know people are coming from somewhere. Please say "hi" when you can! I'd love to know what you think about everything.

Trying to NOT be crazy

I knew that being pregnant again would be difficult, and I never expected it to happen again so fast. I think I'm still partially mourning the loss, and then the other half of me is trying to not get too excited about this pregnancy.

I can't stop peeing on sticks, of course. Even splurged for more FRER's -- the BMW of the home pregnancy test! -- but seeing my test line so dark was is so reassuring.  (Since I've decided FF is smarter than me, the dates marked on the tests are 2 days ahead of where I think I must be -- so 21dpo for the bottom one)

But then today I was comparing pics of my current WONDFO progression with the ones from last time, and I think I was actually darker for each given time point on the WONDFO!  If anything, they are the same. Definitely not darker this time around, which I was hoping I would be. I *know* those tests are cheap for a reason, and I shouldn't get so hung up on it, but it is making me slightly crazy.

Then there's the progesterone. My first level was perfect -- 26. When they checked 2 days later, it was a little bit lower -- 21. Of course this freaked me out, and I texted my OB on our way to the airport (and after office hours: have I mentioned that I love her?). She told me she thought it was fine but she was happy for me to come back for another test in a few days. I ended up deciding not to -- I am trying really hard to NOT be a crazy person! >20 is still fine to maintain a pregnancy, the level can fluctuate based on a lot of things (time of day, whether you ate, etc.). The tube of blood must have been sitting out forever b/c even though I went earlier in the day for the test, it was resulted much later -- so that could affect it too.  Plus there are a lot of people who think a low progesterone is just a sign that a pregnancy is non-viable, not the cause.

Meanwhile, I'm definitely more symptomatic than last time. Still random waves of nausea -- nothing to keep me from eating, though. Often followed by diarrhea. Crazy need to pee even when my bladder isn't really full. And the boobs! OMG. I wouldn't call it "tender," b/c that's pain when you touch. They hurt from the inside out. Mr. W thinks they are bigger. The nipple part is definitely bigger & darker, and more veiny.  So I know something is happening inside.

Finally, I ended up telling my sister last weekend. I needed to tell someone and it was helpful having a co-conspirator over the weekend, as I drank nothing but tonic & lime! She is, of course, super excited. I told her about the loss as well, so she also understands why I'm not crazy excited (yet).

12 days til my appointment. I would love to be more symptomatic but I'll take what I can get. Every time I pee I hold my breath until I check the toilet paper. I need time to pass more quickly!

Taking Deep Breaths

Okay, so we are really in this now. I made it through last weekend by peeing on lots of sticks. On Tuesday I went for bloodwork, and the HCG was 88 (progesterone 26) -- totally perfect for 14dpo, which is where Fertility Friend had me (I thought I was 16dpo -- sometimes I hate that computers are smarter than we are). I went back today, 48 hours later, and my HCG has doubled perfectly -- 183! They say if you are >200 at 16dpo, there's a 95% chance of pregnancy success. I'm sure I'll have made 200 by the time this day is over, so I'm happy with this.

The tech actually was having a hard time getting blood from me this AM so my doc happened to come in and stuck me (another 2 times, for 5 total!). So we got to chat for a minute, which was super nice. I scheduled my first appointment based on my LMP, knowing I didn't ovulate until a week later than that would put me at but wanting to get in for the appointment. It's with another doctor in the practice b/c mine is booked, but that's fine. If I can make it til then -- Sept. 25 -- I think I will be super happy. I'll be 7 weeks by O date so should get to see a heartbeat. Last time there wasn't anything, just a fetal sac measuring 5 weeks.

And now I'm off for the weekend, going home for my grandfather's 90'th birthday! I can't believe it. If I didn't have the loss I'd be 13 weeks and was going to tell everyone at once.  Now I'm only 4.3 weeks so won't feel comfortable telling anyone. Instead I'm going to have to pretend to be drinking! Oops.

I've had some waves of nausea -- which I welcome with open arms!! -- but hoping if it's going to get worse, that it wait til Monday. Will see.  For now, I'm just taking lots and lots of deep breaths. :-)

G2

So this is happening:

I'm nervous as hell. Will go in Tuesday (damn holiday weekend) for bloodwork, to repeat on Thursday before flying home for my grandfather's 90'th b'day party.

Taking a Dip

I've been meaning to write about this for a while, but just haven't gotten around to it.

Mr. W and I observe the Jewish laws of "family purity." In a nutshell, it means that you can't be intimate during your period (minimum 5 days), plus 7 days after that. Once you've successfully had 7 "white" days, you get to resume being intimate. After the woman takes a dip, of course.

The Mikveh is a Jewish ritual bath. It has to be designed to certain specifications, including having "natural" water (typically rain water).  When going to the Mikveh, a woman has to be completely clean -- no nailpolish or make-up, no stray hairs anywhere, no scabs or basically anything that comes between your skin and the waters.

Our decision to keep these laws was mutual. We don't do everything 100% -- we don't have separate beds, for instance. But we keep the basic laws.

When we made this decision -- before our wedding last December -- I was actually excited about it. I thought going to the Mikveh would be such a rewarding experience. I thought having a "wedding night" every month -- after a forced separation -- would keep the romance alive in the relationship.  I thought it wouldn't be so difficult that it wouldn't be worth it.  I thought wrong.

The separation isn't so bad, honestly. I have never understood people who can "do the deed" during their period. Gross. And the 7 days after aren't really so bad, either.  But I haven't yet had a SINGLE Mikveh Night that wasn't incredibly complicated!! Here's the list:

-- Pre-Wedding: Used the mikveh for the first time a couple nights before the wedding. I thought it was actually fine, I had learned all the laws and was excited to put them into effect. I didn't realize until after that my Mom had wanted to be there (and that it's actually traditional to have her there), so it pissed her off. Oops. I didn't have to go post-wedding, due to a medical reason, so that was good.

-- I didn't go for a couple months after that b/c I was on the extended cycle of OCP's = no period.

-- Went off OCP's. Thought my period would start in 2 days, as usual. Took an extra day. Ended up having to go to the Mikveh the same night I was having 15 people over to our (tiny studio) apartment for the Oscars. At least it was winter so I could go early (can't dip til after sunset), come home and put on make-up.

-- Next cycle: Had to go to the Mikveh the same night we moved into a new apartment! Seriously, that couldn't have been worse timing. At least I remembered to keep my preparation stuff out.

-- 3rd cycle: Mr. W's grandmother died. He wanted to go to the shivah (mourning ritual) in NJ, 90 minutes away. The next morning, we were leaving for Boston b/c I had a conference. So left the shivah as soon as we could (after sunset, which is when they pray). Drove as fast as we could back to the city. Mr. W dropped me off near the mikveh. The lady told me I was too late (times different than online) and should have called, I gave her my sob story so she told me to rush. Argh.

-- 4th cycle: Had to use the Mikveh in Barcelona. It was a Jewish holiday, falling immediately after Shabbat ended. When we arrived in Barcelona on Friday AM, I called to set up a time. Had to send a copy of my passport, and go to the shul to pay the fee before sundown. Then on Saturday night, had to arrive there at a specific time. We had been walking around and my feet were bleeding. It was a very old mikveh (I'm used to the nice/newer ones we have in NYC), with 2 very old mikveh ladies. Strange times.

-- 5th cycle: Planned to go on a Tuesday night. On Monday afternoon, had EWCM and freaked out. Got a super-fast decision from an authority that I could actually go that night (due to time zone changes when we came back from Europe). Last minute prep and dip. Long wait when I got there, felt rushed b/c there were still people waiting for a room after I was done.

-- 6th cycle: After miscarriage, which changes how you count when your Mikveh night is. Got conflicting responses on when I could actually immerse -- I knew exactly when I had ovulated and when I had miscarried, but some authorities go with generic numbers (like counting mikveh night as ovulation, which it clearly wasn't for me). My mom was coming in town which was a huge problem, so went with the lenient opinion that I could go the night before she arrived -- which was Friday night. The mikveh is over 35 blocks away. We took a train halfway down there, but got out right when Shabbat was starting, had to walk the rest of the way.  Went in and did my dip -- bittersweet, b/c of the loss.  Then had to walk home and I was STARVING, got cramps in my ankles, and it was awful. B/c I couldn't dip til after sunset, and it was such a long walk home, we didn't eat dinner til after 10pm.

It's actually hard to believe that I've only gone 7 times. Each time I go, it feels slightly old (like "yeah, I know what I'm supposed to do, clean my belly button, clean my ears, etc etc etc") -- and slightly new. The actual immersion is refreshing. It's always slightly bittersweet -- I'm only there b/c I am not pregnant, and yet going there means I have a new opportunity to get pregnant.  It's always complicated, as you can see. I plan a lot of things around when I think I might have to go -- like getting (or rather, not getting) my nails done! Who wants to spend $$ on a mani/pedi, just to have to remove the color in 4 days? Annoying. I also had a freak out after a couple short cycles that I might have "halachic infertility," meaning I couldn't get pregnant b/c I was ovulating too early. Think about it, if you need to BD 1-2 days before O, and can't BD before CD12, then you won't get pregnant if you ovulate before CD14. I'm amazed so many religious women have so many babies! But then think about it the other way: if you always BD on CD12, you are almost always BD'ing in the fertile window (if you O on CD14-16 you've done okay). Also: the swimmers on Mikveh Night are at least 12 days old, meaning not so healthy. After my loss I had an awkward conversation with Mr. W about that -- they were over 3 weeks old. I wanted a healthy pregnancy and didn't want to take any chances.  Sigh.

Anyway, it's not something I *love* doing. I think I might change my mind if I have a few opportunities to dip without stress, though. And I do like coming home and telling Mr. W that "I've successfully immersed," meaning he can take advantage of my sexy underwear. :-)  Hopefully I won't have to go again for a long time.

If you need a little funny in your day

Then you must read this. I crack up every time I read it. I've shared it with co-workers -- doctors and nurses alike -- and it made one of my favorite well-baby nursery nurses cry. For reals.

Note: I had nothing to do with this. It's from "McSweeney's" and you should check into the humor on their website here: http://www.mcsweeneys.net/

JAMIE AND JEFF’S
BIRTH PLAN.

BY PAUL WILLIAM DAVIES

- - - -

Dear Hospital Staff:
Thank you and congratulations for being on shift for the birth of our child. The following sets forth our wishes for our stay. If a medical emergency requires you to deviate from this plan, please refer to “Jamie and Jeff’s Emergency Birth Plan.” (Tab J) Please note: Jamie is RH Negative and BPA-free.

Philosophy

While we do not have a traditional “philosophy” of “childbirth,” we have been heavily influenced by orthodox Wholefoodism and the “(d)well baby/good design” movement. We believe strongly in the power of the female body and a long-term night nurse. We are opposed to torture/gluten. In the event you are ever unsure how to proceed today, please ask yourself, “What Would Gwyneth Do?”

Environment

We would like mood lighting, like on Virgin America.
The following people, who were with us at conception, will again be in the room with us today: Jeff’s mom; Jeff’s sister; Jeff’s sister’s friend, Melanie (plus 2); Jeff Koons.
Please provide WiFi so we can check what you say against Wikipedia and our favorite mom blogs.
Music is very important to us, as music was playing in the Mongolian yurt when we first made love.
In lieu of a traditional hospital gown, Jamie would prefer to be dressed like Zooey Deschanel in 500 Days of Summer.
Please avoid any use of the words “pulsate,” “soiled,” or “octo” in the delivery room.

Prep

Jamie would prefer no enema or shaving of pubic hair. If shaving is necessary, she would prefer something in the shape of a vuvuzela. Jeff’s pubic hair should NOT be shaved.
Jeff would like an IV.

Labor

Please generally avoid procedures that are totally unnecessary or excruciatingly painful.
Jamie would like Jeff to do the pushing whenever possible.
We have chosen a Doctor (“Mr. Cooper”) because he shares our desire for a natural, low-intervention birth. Mr. Cooper will deliver the baby via Skype from his home in Taos.
If Jamie starts to sob uncontrollably during labor, please turn offThe Notebook. In the event the crying continues, please administer the following drugs to Jeff (per Mr. Cooper): Darvocet, Diamorphine, Vicodin, Medical Marijuana.
If induction is necessary, Jamie would like to try the following before Pitocin is administered: walking, stretching, flipping over, rolfing, online browsing, nipple stimulation and/or sexual intercourse.
Nipple stimulation should be done by the resident Jamie met on the tour who looks like Benjamin Bratt.

Delivery

We strongly prefer a girl.
If you have not already done so, please now take a few minutes and read Early Admission: How to Deliver an Ivy League Baby!
Jeff will remain in the squatting position throughout delivery.
When the crown of the head appears, please turn down the music as Jeff will be reading aloud from Be Here Now by Ram Dass.
Please, no texting while suctioning.
Jamie would like a mirror so that she can see the horrible expression on her face if it’s a boy.
IMPORTANT: if the baby appears to be black, please immediately escort Jeff out of the room and bring in Jeremy Rayburn from the 5th Floor waiting area.
In the event of a Cesarean, please practice Western medicine.

Post-Birth

We are interested in the following preschools: St. James, The Schoolhouse at Cedar Point, or Kidsplace. Willow Glen isONLY a backup.
Jamie would like Jeff circumcised.
Please do not cut the cord until we are through the toddler years.
We would like the baby certified organic by Oregon Tilth.
Please don’t put the baby on a scale, as we don’t want her to have the same body image issues as her fat mom.
We would like to donate the placenta to the people of the Gulf Coast.
We ask that the baby be bathed in our presence, in the delivery room, in San Pellegrino.
Per Mr. Cooper, do not feed the baby mussels.
Per Gisele Bundchen, do not give the baby a bottle (i.e. chemicals) for at least 6 months.
If the baby must be taken from the room because of a medical emergency, we would like Jeff to accompany the child. (In this scenario, Benjamin Bratt would stay with Jamie. Please maintain mood lighting and insert the CD in Jamie’s handbag labeled,WHEN JEFF LEAVES.)
We will not be vaccinating our baby. Please vaccinate all other babies on this floor.
Namaste,
Jeff and Jamie

Rainbows and shit

In the world of **fertility, a baby you conceive after a loss (the storm, if you will) is a "rainbow baby." The amazing miracle of beauty that follows the shitty thunderstorm.

I hate this terminology. I don't want a "rainbow baby," I want a real-life, 100% true, no additives or preservatives, take-home baby.

However, I have a friend, B, who told me (soon after we just met our freshman year of college) that her mother had a miscarriage 2 months before she got pregnant with B. From riding Space Mountain at Disneyland, actually. But her point was that B -- in all her wonder and glory -- wouldn't exist if the miscarriage had never happened. (I think the story was told in an effort to promote "good things come from bad things," probably related to a boy or something).

This thought is actually somehow reassuring to me. When I do get pregnant again (not "if," but "when"), and have a healthy baby, it will be a baby that I never would have had if I didn't miscarry.  The embryo from my loss was never meant to be -- even without testing, I like to assume it was never viable.  But it served a purpose, in enabling me to have the child I will one day have.

Today it is 3 weeks and 2 days since I knew I was having a miscarriage.  I knew I was pregnant for 3 weeks and 3 days.  By this weekend, I will have dealt with my loss longer than I dealt with being pregnant.  That is actually shocking to me, since I feel like the miscarriage happened yesterday and that I was pregnant for a long time.

The saddest part to me about having a loss with my first pregnancy is that the shiny, magical, incredible feeling of being pregnant will never happen to me again.  When I get pregnant again, I will be stressed out from the very beginning -- waiting to get blood results and ultrasounds, hoping that this time I have symptoms to reassure me that all's well, checking every time I pee for any signs of spotting. I won't be downloading pregnancy apps and signing up for bump email updates. I won't be tracking as my embryo goes from a poppy seed to a blueberry.  Until I at least make it past where I was this time, I probably won't be able to even take a deep breath.

Doesn't mean everything was glory and amazing the first time -- remember, I'm superstitious, and I've seen all the bad things that can happen with a pregnancy. I wasn't planning to tell anyone until 9 weeks (mom) and 13 weeks (everyone else). I wasn't planning to have one single baby item in our home until after the baby was born healthy.  But now it'll be even more severe. I don't even want to think about it.

Dark and stormy roads ahead, for sure.  I am a firm believer in rainbows in general -- I always look for one after a storm and say the blessing that reminds us of G-d's covenant when I find one. But I just can't refer to any subsequent baby as a rainbow. It'll just be mine. For keeps.

Book Review

I read a lot. Average of 1 book/week, although sometimes more with my longer commute (30 minutes on a bus each way, give or take a few minutes). Sometimes less, if my "Entertainment Weekly" and "Real Simple" arrive on the same day.

I've read two books over the past 4 days that I thought I'd share. They were both very enjoyable.

The Impatient Woman's Guide to Getting Pregnant by Jean Twenge

I wish I had read this book a year ago. I am very much an impatient woman (IW) -- I got my education, started my career, waited for the right guy, but NOW I NEED TO BE PREGNANT RIGHT THIS MINUTE THANK YOU VERY MUCH. In addition, I am very much a statistics person -- I teach our residents how to analyze medical literature and have a reputation for "disliking" every study b/c there are typically so many faults with them.

On both of these points, I felt like she was writing the book specifically for me.  She covers the bases -- charting, fertility monitoring, medications, treatments, etc. But she does it in a humorous way. Then she uses her own background in statistics to examine a lot of concepts that get tossed around in the online circles -- like supplements, and timing your BD'ing to get a certain gender baby -- and proves why they are all wrong. She even shows you where the data came from that says how long it will take you to get pregnant -- from the 1700's!

I also really happened to like her chapter on miscarriage. Again, I felt like it spoke directly to me.

Had I read her book earlier in this journey, I probably would have done a few things differently.
#1) Stopped my OCP's sooner and started temping before we were TTC.
-- However, I've mentioned this before, and I'm not sure I actually would have done this. It was really really nice not having to worry about getting my period around the wedding or honeymoon. I did start taking vitamins a long time ago. And my diet was pretty healthy before the wedding, just not for the past few months. I'm back on the healthy diet, though, so hoping that helps.
#2) I would have bought a fertility monitor right way.
-- Although I think I've been able to pin down my "fertile window" fairly accurately each month with good temperature shifts and physical changes, and I did try the OPK's without any success (never got a positive, even the month of my BFP), I think the monitor would have been helpful. Especially this cycle! My temps are super wacky, I have no idea when I ovulated. Needless to say, I've ordered one now. Will be here on Friday, plenty of time to spare before next cycle.
#3) I wouldn't have wasted money on things like Vitex and Evening Primrose Oil.
-- Granted, I started the supplements the same cycle as my BFP -- but definitely too soon to say they had any effect. She very clearly shows you why those things don't work. I'm not going to mess with them anymore.

Baby Bumps by Amy Sprenger

This is a memoir by a mommy blogger, centered around her first pregnancy when she was put on bedrest at 20 weeks. I actually didn't mind the pregnancy aspect of this book b/c she doesn't dwell on getting pregnant or the first trimester (other than to say how she got pregnant on her first try). But she is very funny, and I see a lot of myself in her attempts to use humor in serious situations. I read this book between leaving work today and now -- granted, it was an hour commute home and I read it after I got here. But quick read, and it was cheap on my Nook. I need to check out her blog now.

*****************

Want any non-fertility related good books? My favorite from this summer was Gone Girl, I highly recommend and might have to re-read pretty soon! The explanation won't do it justice, but it alternates being narrated by a woman who disappears and her husband. Also loved Shadow of Night, which is the sequel to A Discover of Witches. The first book blends science (DNA!) with fantasy (witches, vampires, demons, oh my!). The sequel takes place in Elizabethan England. They are both fun and I can't wait for the 3rd in the triology. Also try Defending Jacob, a book from the perspective of a dad/DA whose son is accused of murder.

Stupid Things People Say

In life, there are stupid people. And then there are well-intentioned people who just say stupid things. For the purpose of this post, we'll assume everyone is in the latter group -- although I'm sure it's not true.

It wasn't even 1 month after our wedding when people started asking us when we were going to have kids. Let us be newlyweds, please! I couldn't believe how often I was asked that, and by whom. It hasn't stopped, of course. I just answer that with a quick "not yet." But I wish people wouldn't say it -- because every single time, it cuts deep into my heart. What should I say instead? "We are trying to have kids, have any advice?"  "I thought we would have one in March, but that didn't work out." "Really, it's none of your business. When are you going to lose 30 lbs/get a facelift/drop that idiot spouse/leave me alone?" I get this from people at work all day long (nurses are the worst; even patients have asked me). Let alone friends and family. Please, never ever ask anyone this. You never know how hurtful it could be.

There are some things that hurt even more -- although again, I know people have no intention to hurt me with these things. The day I went to work and was actively miscarrying my first pregnancy, I was waiting for someone and didn't feel great, so I sat down. When she came over and saw how I looked (likely pale), she said "Are you okay? Maybe you need to test?" Um, thanks. No, no need to test. I know what's going on. This is the same friend who "predicted" I would be pregnant by the fall -- many months ago. I was already trying when she said that, so it stung a little. Now I'm just hoping she's right.

A few months ago, while on vacation in Europe, my grandmother remarked that "the smartest thing [she] ever did was have her children when she was still young." Okay, thanks, that's supposed to help me how? The youngest I can be when we have our first child is 33, and that's assuming I get pregnant again in the next few months and carry that embryo all the way. If we have only 3 kids and space them out by 2 years (and have no problems getting pregnant again along the way), I'll be 37 with the 3rd one (and since Mr. W wants more than that, there's a good chance I could be over 40 when I have my last one). Pushing 70 by the time my kids have kids, most likely. Oh well, can't go back and re-write history. I'm fairly certain my grandmother is thrilled I didn't marry any of my exes and stuck around for Mr. W, so nothing I can do about lost time.

My mom can be the worst. Recently she reminded me that she would be in Israel next June, "just in case that affects any plans you might have." So I should stop trying for the month that would give me a due date around then? Sorry, not going to happen. We aren't passing up any opportunities around here. (When she said this, of course, I was pregnant and due in March, so I thought it wasn't a big deal and blew it off.) She also frequently talks about when we have kids, and recently bought a baby blanket to give her first grandchild (this comment pissed my older sister off even more than me). When she was in town, we watched the closing ceremonies of the Olympics, and I remarked how fun it would be to go to Rio in 2016 for them. "Okay," she said, "I'll babysit for you." I immediately responded with "great, I'm sure the cats will love spending time with you." This made her very angry! I was somewhat proud of my quick thinking. I mean, with any luck, we will have 1 or 2 kids by 2016. But there's no telling what will happen, and whenever she says stuff like this it just irritates me.

I'm sure I have another dozen stupid statements I could document here. Maybe I should start keeping better track of them. At least I've learned to keep my mouth shut!