Meet our Little Blob

We saw a perfect heartbeat and measuring exactly on schedule -- 7 weeks today. (The doc was impressed with my dating since by LMP I'd be 8 weeks.) 

Got lots of blood drawn -- but only stuck once, so that was awesome too. 

She said to come back in 2 weeks, since "telling someone who just had a loss to come back in 4 weeks is cruel." I'll be back at 9w3d and we'll get to see the blob again. 

I'm starting to feel more comfortable about this pregnancy. We never saw a heartbeat last time - it had stopped growing at around 5 weeks -- so this is pretty great news. The miscarriage risk is now around 5%, and will drop lower day by day. 

I'm also definitely more symptomatic -- waves of nausea, where I feel like I'd feel better if I were to just throw-up but I don't. I can still make myself eat, but smells can be bad. Thirsty a lot, and peeing a lot. 

I think I'll tell my Mom this afternoon -- my sister knows, and one of my best friends guessed over the weekend (oops), so we should bring her in on the secret as well. That makes it most real to me, I think. 

How things are different

After my miscarriage, I wrote about how I was scared the next time I got pregnant, it wouldn't have the "bright and shiny" feeling that your first pregnancy has. I was right, and wrong in some ways.

This time around, I haven't downloaded any pregnancy apps or signed up for any websites (as I predicted in the previous post). I have no idea what size fruit my embryo resembles this week -- which quite possibly already makes me a bad mommy. And yes, I hold my breath every time I wipe, as I'm so scared of seeing some spotting.

There's a part of me that is clearly distancing myself from this pregnancy, just in case it ends in a loss again. No attachment --> no grief, right? If i don't know too much about what's going on inside -- whether or not there are ears, or limb buds, or a beating heart -- then it's not a real thing at all.

But there is a part of me that's incredibly hopeful. Although my symptoms are still mild, they are still way more present than last time. My test lines are still darkening (yes, I still POAS every few days, I can't help it).  It is quite possible that I might actually have a baby sometime next May.  Stop, turn around 3 times, and spit. I can't even think that way! Argh. See, even typing it out is stressful.

Appointment is on Tuesday morning. I just have to get through the rest of today at work (with my new iPhone waiting for me at home), the weekend (full of working in the AM, book club, and the Emmy's on Sunday night), and then a full day at work on Monday.  4 more sleeps. I started spotting at 7w2d last time, and the appointment is on 7w exactly, but I just keep thinking that if I can make it til Tuesday -- and see a heartbeat on the ultrasound -- then I can relax. Slightly.

Finally: Readers, I know you are out there! My stats keep going up. But no one is commenting! I forgot to sign up for ICLW this month (Jewish Holidays are really messing with me), but I know people are coming from somewhere. Please say "hi" when you can! I'd love to know what you think about everything.

Trying to NOT be crazy

I knew that being pregnant again would be difficult, and I never expected it to happen again so fast. I think I'm still partially mourning the loss, and then the other half of me is trying to not get too excited about this pregnancy.

I can't stop peeing on sticks, of course. Even splurged for more FRER's -- the BMW of the home pregnancy test! -- but seeing my test line so dark was is so reassuring.  (Since I've decided FF is smarter than me, the dates marked on the tests are 2 days ahead of where I think I must be -- so 21dpo for the bottom one)

But then today I was comparing pics of my current WONDFO progression with the ones from last time, and I think I was actually darker for each given time point on the WONDFO!  If anything, they are the same. Definitely not darker this time around, which I was hoping I would be. I *know* those tests are cheap for a reason, and I shouldn't get so hung up on it, but it is making me slightly crazy.

Then there's the progesterone. My first level was perfect -- 26. When they checked 2 days later, it was a little bit lower -- 21. Of course this freaked me out, and I texted my OB on our way to the airport (and after office hours: have I mentioned that I love her?). She told me she thought it was fine but she was happy for me to come back for another test in a few days. I ended up deciding not to -- I am trying really hard to NOT be a crazy person! >20 is still fine to maintain a pregnancy, the level can fluctuate based on a lot of things (time of day, whether you ate, etc.). The tube of blood must have been sitting out forever b/c even though I went earlier in the day for the test, it was resulted much later -- so that could affect it too.  Plus there are a lot of people who think a low progesterone is just a sign that a pregnancy is non-viable, not the cause.

Meanwhile, I'm definitely more symptomatic than last time. Still random waves of nausea -- nothing to keep me from eating, though. Often followed by diarrhea. Crazy need to pee even when my bladder isn't really full. And the boobs! OMG. I wouldn't call it "tender," b/c that's pain when you touch. They hurt from the inside out. Mr. W thinks they are bigger. The nipple part is definitely bigger & darker, and more veiny.  So I know something is happening inside.

Finally, I ended up telling my sister last weekend. I needed to tell someone and it was helpful having a co-conspirator over the weekend, as I drank nothing but tonic & lime! She is, of course, super excited. I told her about the loss as well, so she also understands why I'm not crazy excited (yet).

12 days til my appointment. I would love to be more symptomatic but I'll take what I can get. Every time I pee I hold my breath until I check the toilet paper. I need time to pass more quickly!

Taking Deep Breaths

Okay, so we are really in this now. I made it through last weekend by peeing on lots of sticks. On Tuesday I went for bloodwork, and the HCG was 88 (progesterone 26) -- totally perfect for 14dpo, which is where Fertility Friend had me (I thought I was 16dpo -- sometimes I hate that computers are smarter than we are). I went back today, 48 hours later, and my HCG has doubled perfectly -- 183! They say if you are >200 at 16dpo, there's a 95% chance of pregnancy success. I'm sure I'll have made 200 by the time this day is over, so I'm happy with this.

The tech actually was having a hard time getting blood from me this AM so my doc happened to come in and stuck me (another 2 times, for 5 total!). So we got to chat for a minute, which was super nice. I scheduled my first appointment based on my LMP, knowing I didn't ovulate until a week later than that would put me at but wanting to get in for the appointment. It's with another doctor in the practice b/c mine is booked, but that's fine. If I can make it til then -- Sept. 25 -- I think I will be super happy. I'll be 7 weeks by O date so should get to see a heartbeat. Last time there wasn't anything, just a fetal sac measuring 5 weeks.

And now I'm off for the weekend, going home for my grandfather's 90'th birthday! I can't believe it. If I didn't have the loss I'd be 13 weeks and was going to tell everyone at once.  Now I'm only 4.3 weeks so won't feel comfortable telling anyone. Instead I'm going to have to pretend to be drinking! Oops.

I've had some waves of nausea -- which I welcome with open arms!! -- but hoping if it's going to get worse, that it wait til Monday. Will see.  For now, I'm just taking lots and lots of deep breaths. :-)

G2

So this is happening:

I'm nervous as hell. Will go in Tuesday (damn holiday weekend) for bloodwork, to repeat on Thursday before flying home for my grandfather's 90'th b'day party.

Taking a Dip

I've been meaning to write about this for a while, but just haven't gotten around to it.

Mr. W and I observe the Jewish laws of "family purity." In a nutshell, it means that you can't be intimate during your period (minimum 5 days), plus 7 days after that. Once you've successfully had 7 "white" days, you get to resume being intimate. After the woman takes a dip, of course.

The Mikveh is a Jewish ritual bath. It has to be designed to certain specifications, including having "natural" water (typically rain water).  When going to the Mikveh, a woman has to be completely clean -- no nailpolish or make-up, no stray hairs anywhere, no scabs or basically anything that comes between your skin and the waters.

Our decision to keep these laws was mutual. We don't do everything 100% -- we don't have separate beds, for instance. But we keep the basic laws.

When we made this decision -- before our wedding last December -- I was actually excited about it. I thought going to the Mikveh would be such a rewarding experience. I thought having a "wedding night" every month -- after a forced separation -- would keep the romance alive in the relationship.  I thought it wouldn't be so difficult that it wouldn't be worth it.  I thought wrong.

The separation isn't so bad, honestly. I have never understood people who can "do the deed" during their period. Gross. And the 7 days after aren't really so bad, either.  But I haven't yet had a SINGLE Mikveh Night that wasn't incredibly complicated!! Here's the list:

-- Pre-Wedding: Used the mikveh for the first time a couple nights before the wedding. I thought it was actually fine, I had learned all the laws and was excited to put them into effect. I didn't realize until after that my Mom had wanted to be there (and that it's actually traditional to have her there), so it pissed her off. Oops. I didn't have to go post-wedding, due to a medical reason, so that was good.

-- I didn't go for a couple months after that b/c I was on the extended cycle of OCP's = no period.

-- Went off OCP's. Thought my period would start in 2 days, as usual. Took an extra day. Ended up having to go to the Mikveh the same night I was having 15 people over to our (tiny studio) apartment for the Oscars. At least it was winter so I could go early (can't dip til after sunset), come home and put on make-up.

-- Next cycle: Had to go to the Mikveh the same night we moved into a new apartment! Seriously, that couldn't have been worse timing. At least I remembered to keep my preparation stuff out.

-- 3rd cycle: Mr. W's grandmother died. He wanted to go to the shivah (mourning ritual) in NJ, 90 minutes away. The next morning, we were leaving for Boston b/c I had a conference. So left the shivah as soon as we could (after sunset, which is when they pray). Drove as fast as we could back to the city. Mr. W dropped me off near the mikveh. The lady told me I was too late (times different than online) and should have called, I gave her my sob story so she told me to rush. Argh.

-- 4th cycle: Had to use the Mikveh in Barcelona. It was a Jewish holiday, falling immediately after Shabbat ended. When we arrived in Barcelona on Friday AM, I called to set up a time. Had to send a copy of my passport, and go to the shul to pay the fee before sundown. Then on Saturday night, had to arrive there at a specific time. We had been walking around and my feet were bleeding. It was a very old mikveh (I'm used to the nice/newer ones we have in NYC), with 2 very old mikveh ladies. Strange times.

-- 5th cycle: Planned to go on a Tuesday night. On Monday afternoon, had EWCM and freaked out. Got a super-fast decision from an authority that I could actually go that night (due to time zone changes when we came back from Europe). Last minute prep and dip. Long wait when I got there, felt rushed b/c there were still people waiting for a room after I was done.

-- 6th cycle: After miscarriage, which changes how you count when your Mikveh night is. Got conflicting responses on when I could actually immerse -- I knew exactly when I had ovulated and when I had miscarried, but some authorities go with generic numbers (like counting mikveh night as ovulation, which it clearly wasn't for me). My mom was coming in town which was a huge problem, so went with the lenient opinion that I could go the night before she arrived -- which was Friday night. The mikveh is over 35 blocks away. We took a train halfway down there, but got out right when Shabbat was starting, had to walk the rest of the way.  Went in and did my dip -- bittersweet, b/c of the loss.  Then had to walk home and I was STARVING, got cramps in my ankles, and it was awful. B/c I couldn't dip til after sunset, and it was such a long walk home, we didn't eat dinner til after 10pm.

It's actually hard to believe that I've only gone 7 times. Each time I go, it feels slightly old (like "yeah, I know what I'm supposed to do, clean my belly button, clean my ears, etc etc etc") -- and slightly new. The actual immersion is refreshing. It's always slightly bittersweet -- I'm only there b/c I am not pregnant, and yet going there means I have a new opportunity to get pregnant.  It's always complicated, as you can see. I plan a lot of things around when I think I might have to go -- like getting (or rather, not getting) my nails done! Who wants to spend $$ on a mani/pedi, just to have to remove the color in 4 days? Annoying. I also had a freak out after a couple short cycles that I might have "halachic infertility," meaning I couldn't get pregnant b/c I was ovulating too early. Think about it, if you need to BD 1-2 days before O, and can't BD before CD12, then you won't get pregnant if you ovulate before CD14. I'm amazed so many religious women have so many babies! But then think about it the other way: if you always BD on CD12, you are almost always BD'ing in the fertile window (if you O on CD14-16 you've done okay). Also: the swimmers on Mikveh Night are at least 12 days old, meaning not so healthy. After my loss I had an awkward conversation with Mr. W about that -- they were over 3 weeks old. I wanted a healthy pregnancy and didn't want to take any chances.  Sigh.

Anyway, it's not something I *love* doing. I think I might change my mind if I have a few opportunities to dip without stress, though. And I do like coming home and telling Mr. W that "I've successfully immersed," meaning he can take advantage of my sexy underwear. :-)  Hopefully I won't have to go again for a long time.