Seriously. Some of the things that go through this brain are totally crazy. Here is a sampling, from this week, in no particular order:
-- How are we going to get the baby home from the hospital? I am not sure 7 months is enough time to figure this out. We don't have a car, it's too far to walk (35 min walk home from the hospital on a good day), and not going to take public transportation. Putting a carseat into a cab is never completely safe. Maybe a zipcar? But then Mr. W will have to figure out how to install the carseat base before driving it back to the hospital. SERIOUSLY -- WHY AM I WONDERING THIS NOW??
-- Which well-baby nurse will I get to care for my babe? I really like some of them, and I really hate some of them. It's enough of an issue that I think about requesting a certain floor post-partum. But then it also depends on the day of the week. AGAIN -- why the hell is this bothering me now?
-- Am I eating healthy enough? Probably not. I went all weekend with no vegetables. Had a salad on Monday. No veggies yesterday or today. That's awful, right? I'm not nauseous anymore, but typically only carbs (or chocolate) sound appealing. I should force myself to eat healthier. Maybe some V8 in the mornings?
-- Am I harming my unborn child by drinking diet soda? Artificial sweetener is something that a lot of people avoid. But I have a soda (diet and decaf) nearly every day. Sometimes more than one. It gets me through the day without the need of caffeine. So which is worse?
-- Can I overdo it with the Doppler? My doc seemed to imply that a couple times a week was fine. But I've used it everyday this week. It's HARD to get through the days without that reassurance.
-- Will we be able to afford to stay in NYC another year, as I'd really like to do? Childcare is crazy expensive, and I don't make enough at my job (another story for another day). Mr. W is self-employed and there's no guarantee of income on a regular basis. We both have debts we are paying off. I guess I could always defer my loans for a year of financial hardship, but it's a tough decision. Mr. W would like to move but I actually like my job most days (and love the people I work with), and I'm not ready to give that up.
-- Why the hell is Shondra Rhimes such an idiot? I've watched "Grey's Anatomy" and "Private Practice" for years and years. Typically I don't let the medical inaccuracies bother me that much (with a few exceptions). *PP SPOILER ALERT* It's bad enough that she let the woman who has never wanted kids get pregnant, with TRIPLETS, while on an IUD. The odds of that happening are 19 gazillion to 1. But then on last night's episode, she showed a woman who had her 4th miscarriage -- and one doctor (the ob/gyn) was trying to convince the other doctor (the RE) that it was time to push her toward "alternatives," that it was too much to put one woman through. First of all, I had a hard time with the depiction of the loss (after 12 weeks, when they "finally told everyone"). Excuse me while I cry. But then to talk about trying to tell her to stop? I do not count myself as lucky for having had a miscarriage, but I guess I'm lucky that it was only 1 and that we got pregnant again so fast. This storyline just hurt me so much. What would I do if I had 4 losses? Would I keep trying? They didn't discuss there being any cause for her losses, so I guess it would certainly depend on that. It just made me mad!
-- I am so glad I don't live in East London during the 1950's. I've started watching "Call the Midwife," a BBC show that is on PBS here in the US. It's very interesting, but also makes me very sad. *Again, spoiler alert* Last week there was a prostitute who was pregnant, and they found a safe place for her until she delivered. Then they took her baby away without permission b/c she was only 15! This week a woman lost her baby and then died herself at 26 weeks from toxemia (eclampsia). I cry, and blame it on hormones. It would probably be healthier if I didn't watch it.
-- How will people respond when I tell them about the pregnancy? How many people will say "I knew it!" Should I tell people after the NT scan next week, or wait til my 13 week appt/start of 2nd trimester?
-- There was a recent study that showed that babies born to moms who had bad morning sickness had higher IQ's. So does the fact that I had very mild nausea only mean I'm going to have a stupid kid?
-- When should I start playing music to my belly? Should I buy special headphones for this?
Okay, I think that's enough for now. I'm sure there is a lot more crazy hidden in my brain, but it was cathartic to write it all out. Kinda like when little kids "shake the wiggles out" -- I feel like I just did that with my head. :-)
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
I'm a slacker
So here's the problem: If possible, I think my fatigue has gotten WORSE the past week or so! It's crazy. The cough I've had for 3.5 weeks isn't helping any. So I had this entire post planned yesterday, and fell asleep on my couch instead. Which means today you get two posts.
Here are just some pictures of my pudge. For comparison is the pic I took at 4 weeks with the miscarriage, so I'm using it as my reference. I had gained a few pounds that month, then lost about 5 before the 2nd BFP, so it was probably about the same. I think the fact that I haven't taken any "bump" pictures or done any kind of "bumpdates" is a sign of how much harder it is to get excited this time around. But I know if I *don't* do it, I'll regret it later on.
Okay, so now that we've set that up: the next 2 pics are from the first day I wore maternity pants (which kept falling down), in the AM on 9w6d:
Then here is exactly a week later, where I'm wearing a maternity tunic & regular leggings. Again, pic taken in the AM.
And finally, here is a bump picture, in the same pants as the original one. I'll try to use the same pants each week from now on. Not sure about showing skin, but the little pooch is definitely more noticeable if I put the pants below it. But you still get the idea. I think you can also tell my boobs are bigger than the original pic. This was taken after work. I look biggest right before bed (after dinner).
Getting dressed in the mornings has become a real trial. The maternity pants don't want to stay up. Regular pants won't button (I have a couple that will close with the rubber band as the button, but not many anymore. The jeans I bought a size-up post-miscarriage still fit, but are snug). Anything that I do in the AM feels awful by lunchtime. The leggings the other day were great, but I don't have enough tops I can wear with leggings so my options are limited. My mom just spent a shitload of $$ at the Motherhood outlet, and I should be getting that soon. It'll just be a lot easier when I go public with the news and don't feel the need to hide the pooch!
Here are just some pictures of my pudge. For comparison is the pic I took at 4 weeks with the miscarriage, so I'm using it as my reference. I had gained a few pounds that month, then lost about 5 before the 2nd BFP, so it was probably about the same. I think the fact that I haven't taken any "bump" pictures or done any kind of "bumpdates" is a sign of how much harder it is to get excited this time around. But I know if I *don't* do it, I'll regret it later on.
Okay, so now that we've set that up: the next 2 pics are from the first day I wore maternity pants (which kept falling down), in the AM on 9w6d:
Then here is exactly a week later, where I'm wearing a maternity tunic & regular leggings. Again, pic taken in the AM.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Curly
I haven't mentioned why we are calling the fetus "Curly." When I told my sister the news, she asked if she could pick the name. Um, nope! But I said she could pick the nickname. She was naming some options one afternoon and I misheard her and thought she said "Curly." I said that was pretty funny, and her response was that it would be easier once we knew if it was a boy or girl. I said "well, we won't be finding that out until it arrives, but one thing we know for sure -- this child will have curly hair." (Mr. W and I both have heads full of thick curls, and on one of our first dates I mentioned that our children "would be doomed." He cracked up.)
So here you go: Curly (you see the "crosshairs" at the top/bottom, which was measuring CRL = crown-rump length. That gives an estimate of age. The official report on the bottom of the pic was 9.1 +/- 3d, and I should have been 9w3d. But you can see she didn't get the crosshairs directly on the top of the head, so I think it's a wash.)
So here you go: Curly (you see the "crosshairs" at the top/bottom, which was measuring CRL = crown-rump length. That gives an estimate of age. The official report on the bottom of the pic was 9.1 +/- 3d, and I should have been 9w3d. But you can see she didn't get the crosshairs directly on the top of the head, so I think it's a wash.)
Still Finding it Hard
So even at nearly 11 weeks, and able to find a heartbeat in under a minute on my home Doppler, I'm having a hard time getting excited about this pregnancy. The happiness/optimism/excitement tends to come in spurts -- like yesterday when Mr. W and I took an afternoon walk and were watching some kids play on a playground nearby. He was asking how old a kid has to be to go in the sandbox, and was doing the calculations in his head to figure out how long it'll be before we are those parents. At times like that I do think to myself, "Wow, before it's summer again I'm going to have an actual baby of my own." And I get excited.
But a lot of the time, I'm still mourning the baby that will never be -- the one whom we would have met in March, not May. I'm mourning how far along I'd be in my pregnancy -- 19 weeks already! Almost halfway. I also sometimes mourn all the months when we had BFN's and what that could have been. Last night, some friends of ours came over and we ordered pizza/watched a movie. She is 39 weeks pregnant. They are the ones who started TTC the same month we did -- and got pregnant right away. The one who said her doc remarked that she must be "super fertile." I haven't seen her since July, when I was pregnant the first time. I was excited then and it was hard to hide it from her. Then I had the loss, and I couldn't stand to be around them. She's been trying to make plans with us for a while so I finally gave in, and it was fine. Mr. W had a hard time keeping his mouth closed so I'm sure when I do tell them, she'll say "I had a hunch." (He started telling them how I wouldn't let him ride his bike b/c it could affect sperm count, and they were talking about their childbirth class and he asked if we were going to do one.) Anyway, it was still more sad than happy being with them. I could be due next week, if I were "super fertile" like she was! Or do in the next couple months. Or on March 15th. Argh. Doesn't help that she's a super-cute pregnant person, with this awesome bump and not a trace of fat anywhere else on her body. (She is having a boy, which upholds that old wives' tale.)
But here's the thing -- I AM pregnant. And I'm due on 5/14/13. And that's a pretty exciting thing, right? And I will get to experience everything I'm supposed to experience. Just not when I thought I would -- but at the right time. Curly is growing, and moving, and doing everything that s/he's supposed to be doing. My body hasn't - yet - failed me this time around. I have no reason to think that it would, right? At some point, I will just start being a happy pregnant lady and stop being in mourning for the loss. I know it. I'm just not there yet.
But a lot of the time, I'm still mourning the baby that will never be -- the one whom we would have met in March, not May. I'm mourning how far along I'd be in my pregnancy -- 19 weeks already! Almost halfway. I also sometimes mourn all the months when we had BFN's and what that could have been. Last night, some friends of ours came over and we ordered pizza/watched a movie. She is 39 weeks pregnant. They are the ones who started TTC the same month we did -- and got pregnant right away. The one who said her doc remarked that she must be "super fertile." I haven't seen her since July, when I was pregnant the first time. I was excited then and it was hard to hide it from her. Then I had the loss, and I couldn't stand to be around them. She's been trying to make plans with us for a while so I finally gave in, and it was fine. Mr. W had a hard time keeping his mouth closed so I'm sure when I do tell them, she'll say "I had a hunch." (He started telling them how I wouldn't let him ride his bike b/c it could affect sperm count, and they were talking about their childbirth class and he asked if we were going to do one.) Anyway, it was still more sad than happy being with them. I could be due next week, if I were "super fertile" like she was! Or do in the next couple months. Or on March 15th. Argh. Doesn't help that she's a super-cute pregnant person, with this awesome bump and not a trace of fat anywhere else on her body. (She is having a boy, which upholds that old wives' tale.)
But here's the thing -- I AM pregnant. And I'm due on 5/14/13. And that's a pretty exciting thing, right? And I will get to experience everything I'm supposed to experience. Just not when I thought I would -- but at the right time. Curly is growing, and moving, and doing everything that s/he's supposed to be doing. My body hasn't - yet - failed me this time around. I have no reason to think that it would, right? At some point, I will just start being a happy pregnant lady and stop being in mourning for the loss. I know it. I'm just not there yet.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
10 Weeks
I haven't been as good about blogging as I thought I would be. But here is an update and then some thoughts. Meanwhile, I KNOW people are reading this -- Google tells me so -- but no one is commenting! Please let me know you are here, I would love to respond back and even answer your questions in subsequent posts.
So last Friday we had another appointment with my OB, and everything was great. Curly was measuring right on track and we even saw his/her arms waving at us! (The OB kinda chuckled and said "look, you can see it moving.") She told us that with adequate growth between appointments and a good heartbeat, our chances of a miscarriage now are less than 2%. That was incredibly reassuring. I'll post the pic later (when I'm not at work).
I go in 2 weeks from today for the NT scan, which combined with blood tests that I mail to them ahead of time, will give us our risk for the baby having Down's Syndrome or another chromosomal abnormality. Mr. W commented the other night that we haven't discussed what we would do with any bad results, and I said "I don't really want to discuss it, do you?" My doc said that at my "young age" I shouldn't worry too much, but if you look at the statistics there are way more babies with Down's born to younger moms than older moms (b/c younger moms have more babies). Anyway, I'm not going to worry about it until the day of the scan. The nice thing is because I send them my blood work, we get full results the same day and can even proceed to CVS if necessary right then.
My nausea has pretty much abated, although a strong smell can still set it off for a few minutes. I'm up half a pound per my home scale, and none of my pants will close. I tried maternity pants yesterday but they kept falling down, so back to the rubber-band thing today. I tried the Bella Band this AM on pants with a hook/eye closure (so no rubber-band trick), but I couldn't stand the pants being completely undone and I thought you could see it through the Band. Sigh. I think it'll be easier in a couple weeks when I start announcing. I definitely need more longer tops, though, to hide either the open button or the maternity panel. Ordered a couple more things from Old Navy yesterday and my Mom is eager to go shopping for me at the Outlet mall in Florida later this week. I guess I could also start going through my clothes and getting rid of things -- if they didn't fit me this past summer, it's gonna be a long time before they fit again, right? I also should probably get new bras one of these days. I'm barely fitting into my old ones -- and only a few of those.
I've heard the heartbeat a few more times at home, too. Easier to find each time, the other day took me less than a minute. I'm trying to limit myself to just a couple times/week. Can't wait til I feel movement!
So many things I'm looking forward to right now. While I'm still slightly nervous about losing the pregnancy, I feel more reassured each day. Things I can't wait for:
-- Announcing: to the rest of the family, my friends, and people at work.
-- Being able to wear some clothes that don't have to stay open or fall down and having a cute bump
-- Said Bump allowing me to get a seat on the crowded bus/subway! Some mornings I am pretty light-headed and it's hard to stand on a crowded bus. Argh.
-- NT scan in 2 weeks, then OB appt the week after
-- Feeling movement!
-- Our vacation in December to Jamaica (guess it's our "Babymoon")
So last Friday we had another appointment with my OB, and everything was great. Curly was measuring right on track and we even saw his/her arms waving at us! (The OB kinda chuckled and said "look, you can see it moving.") She told us that with adequate growth between appointments and a good heartbeat, our chances of a miscarriage now are less than 2%. That was incredibly reassuring. I'll post the pic later (when I'm not at work).
I go in 2 weeks from today for the NT scan, which combined with blood tests that I mail to them ahead of time, will give us our risk for the baby having Down's Syndrome or another chromosomal abnormality. Mr. W commented the other night that we haven't discussed what we would do with any bad results, and I said "I don't really want to discuss it, do you?" My doc said that at my "young age" I shouldn't worry too much, but if you look at the statistics there are way more babies with Down's born to younger moms than older moms (b/c younger moms have more babies). Anyway, I'm not going to worry about it until the day of the scan. The nice thing is because I send them my blood work, we get full results the same day and can even proceed to CVS if necessary right then.
My nausea has pretty much abated, although a strong smell can still set it off for a few minutes. I'm up half a pound per my home scale, and none of my pants will close. I tried maternity pants yesterday but they kept falling down, so back to the rubber-band thing today. I tried the Bella Band this AM on pants with a hook/eye closure (so no rubber-band trick), but I couldn't stand the pants being completely undone and I thought you could see it through the Band. Sigh. I think it'll be easier in a couple weeks when I start announcing. I definitely need more longer tops, though, to hide either the open button or the maternity panel. Ordered a couple more things from Old Navy yesterday and my Mom is eager to go shopping for me at the Outlet mall in Florida later this week. I guess I could also start going through my clothes and getting rid of things -- if they didn't fit me this past summer, it's gonna be a long time before they fit again, right? I also should probably get new bras one of these days. I'm barely fitting into my old ones -- and only a few of those.
I've heard the heartbeat a few more times at home, too. Easier to find each time, the other day took me less than a minute. I'm trying to limit myself to just a couple times/week. Can't wait til I feel movement!
So many things I'm looking forward to right now. While I'm still slightly nervous about losing the pregnancy, I feel more reassured each day. Things I can't wait for:
-- Announcing: to the rest of the family, my friends, and people at work.
-- Being able to wear some clothes that don't have to stay open or fall down and having a cute bump
-- Said Bump allowing me to get a seat on the crowded bus/subway! Some mornings I am pretty light-headed and it's hard to stand on a crowded bus. Argh.
-- NT scan in 2 weeks, then OB appt the week after
-- Feeling movement!
-- Our vacation in December to Jamaica (guess it's our "Babymoon")
Sunday, October 7, 2012
The Little Engine that Could
So I caved in and did something last week that I said I'd never do -- I ordered a home fetal doppler kit, to chec k the heartbeat myself. I'm sure if I never had the loss I wouldn't have needed to do that, but even waiting the two weeks between appointments was taxing me too much.
The kit came Friday and I tried to find the HB for about 30 min. No luck at 8w3d, which is still pretty early by any standards. Just heard the "whoosh whoosh" noise of my own blood flow.
This morning I decided to try again. I used headphones, as I've read that will help find the HB during the early weeks. I also put my hips up on a couple pillows, to tilt everything down out of my pelvis. And after about 1 minute, I heard it! That amazing little "chugga chugga" noise that sounds just like a little choo-choo train to me. I pulled out the headphones and Mr. W was able to hear it as well. Right in the 170's bpm (didn't get a good reading b/c it was so faint). At the u/s last week, we only saw the flickering -- no speakers on the machine. So hearing that noise was pure bliss. I got teary. Our little "Curly" has got some rhythm!
The kit came Friday and I tried to find the HB for about 30 min. No luck at 8w3d, which is still pretty early by any standards. Just heard the "whoosh whoosh" noise of my own blood flow.
This morning I decided to try again. I used headphones, as I've read that will help find the HB during the early weeks. I also put my hips up on a couple pillows, to tilt everything down out of my pelvis. And after about 1 minute, I heard it! That amazing little "chugga chugga" noise that sounds just like a little choo-choo train to me. I pulled out the headphones and Mr. W was able to hear it as well. Right in the 170's bpm (didn't get a good reading b/c it was so faint). At the u/s last week, we only saw the flickering -- no speakers on the machine. So hearing that noise was pure bliss. I got teary. Our little "Curly" has got some rhythm!
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Just Having a Sucky Day
Today just blows. For a lot of reasons. But first of all, nothing has changed with this pregnancy -- still no spotting, still mild nausea. Not fitting into most of my pants although I've lost a couple pounds. (Almost refused to go out the other day because I had nothing to wear.)
But today I woke up worried about money. Which I hate being worried about. I am a pediatrician and I'm severely underpaid for what I do and my level of training, plus the enormous amount of debt I have to get here. It wouldn't be such a big deal if 1) we didn't live in NYC and 2)Mr. W had a regular salaried job. But he works for himself and has some good months, some bad months. But we've been doing fine, and managed to save a little bit and travel and everything like that. But right now, he has a debt that is going to cost us about $1200/month. My loans are apparently starting to come due now, and not next May as I thought -- another $700 a month (and it will go up). Childcare, even at the hospital's subsidized program, will be over $1400/month. Plus other expenses -- like clothes, and toys, and a crib and stroller and stuff. We are looking at more than $4000/month in extra expenses! Where the hell will we get that money? So it's looking like we have no choice but to a) move out of the city and b) I get a job in private practice. Which I've always hated the thought of doing. Argh.
And then I just came into my office, which I share with a lovely admin type, to get some forms/letters done for my patients. She told me she's pregnant and due toward the end of March. Which just makes me sad, b/c we totally would have been due date buddies and could have gone through everything together! When will I be able to stop being sad about my loss and start rejoicing in my current pregnancy? Then it got worse, b/c she sat here with a friend (who used to work here) and talked about pregnancy stuff, and the friend's prior miscarriage and fears related to being pregnant, etc etc. I couldn't deal. I left the room at one point but really needed to get my work done! Sigh.
This will all get easier, right? People make ends meet somehow and deal with losses and everything else? I'm just really sad today. And still have another 5 hours of work. I think I will need chocolate.
But today I woke up worried about money. Which I hate being worried about. I am a pediatrician and I'm severely underpaid for what I do and my level of training, plus the enormous amount of debt I have to get here. It wouldn't be such a big deal if 1) we didn't live in NYC and 2)Mr. W had a regular salaried job. But he works for himself and has some good months, some bad months. But we've been doing fine, and managed to save a little bit and travel and everything like that. But right now, he has a debt that is going to cost us about $1200/month. My loans are apparently starting to come due now, and not next May as I thought -- another $700 a month (and it will go up). Childcare, even at the hospital's subsidized program, will be over $1400/month. Plus other expenses -- like clothes, and toys, and a crib and stroller and stuff. We are looking at more than $4000/month in extra expenses! Where the hell will we get that money? So it's looking like we have no choice but to a) move out of the city and b) I get a job in private practice. Which I've always hated the thought of doing. Argh.
And then I just came into my office, which I share with a lovely admin type, to get some forms/letters done for my patients. She told me she's pregnant and due toward the end of March. Which just makes me sad, b/c we totally would have been due date buddies and could have gone through everything together! When will I be able to stop being sad about my loss and start rejoicing in my current pregnancy? Then it got worse, b/c she sat here with a friend (who used to work here) and talked about pregnancy stuff, and the friend's prior miscarriage and fears related to being pregnant, etc etc. I couldn't deal. I left the room at one point but really needed to get my work done! Sigh.
This will all get easier, right? People make ends meet somehow and deal with losses and everything else? I'm just really sad today. And still have another 5 hours of work. I think I will need chocolate.
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