Anticipating

I'm eager to be pregnant. It's hard to be surrounded by pregnancy daily, and totally ready to be there yourself. And it's everywhere! Every day I hear of someone else who is preggers. Jealous, yes!

I want to be nauseous. I want to have a bump and can't wait to buy a belly band and maternity clothes. I want to have cravings. I can't wait to waddle. I'm crazy, I know.

And all these years of being the expert -- to patients, friends, and family members -- I know exactly which (expensive) stroller I want. I know which crib, and carseat, and bouncy seat, and jumper. I know which breast pump! Although I'm superstitious and wouldn't want any baby products around pre-baby, I can't wait to start making my wants public.

And maybe I'm slightly obsessive. I know when my due date would be if I got pregnant this month (12/20), and I know when it would be "safe" to share the news (12 weeks = 6/15, which is perfect timing since we'll be in Europe for the 2 weeks before that). I've thought about the issues this Europe trip will bring; since my mom/sister/grandparents will be with us for 13 nights I'll have to share the news at 10 weeks with them. And I've thought about the fact that if I don't get pregnant this month but DO next month, I'll only be 6 weeks in Europe -- not ready to share the news, but possibly symptomatic (and not drinking Italian wine with everyone else). So yeah, I'm already worried about what to do.

As people try to make plans with us for July, and September, and November --- I keep thinking "I can't commit! What if .... "

I don't know what I'll do if it takes a long time to get pregnant. I know it's possible, and even likely, given my age and everything else. I know I won't wait longer than six months to see my doctor (so if I get my period in August, which works out well bc I'd be due for an annual in September anyway). But mentally? I'm not sure how I'll be able to handle it. I just keep praying I won't have to.


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