Sadness

I had been looking forward to my first OB appointment SO much this past month. 

On Sunday, I started having some very light spotting, as well as cramping. Neither one alone would have worried me, but the combination did. I took it easy, and called in sick on Monday (not an easy thing to do). By the afternoon, I was seeing bright red blood when I wiped. I spoke to another doc in the practice and she said to drink a lot, stay put, and come in today as scheduled. 

I was going back and forth between knowing it was bad news and thinking it might be okay news -- 50% of pregnancies have some bleeding, and only 15% chance of miscarriage, so the odds were in my favor, right? When the OB walked in she asked why I looked so nervous, and I told her the story (had already told the tech but I guess they didn't communicate). She didn't seem so concerned. Examined me and still wasn't concerned -- said it was just a tiny bit of blood and my cervix was closed.  Fine, I was getting hopeful.

Then she did the ultrasound, and could only find a sac measuring 5 weeks (I'm 7.4 weeks). She asked me several times if my dates could be off, but nope. I knew when my last period was (running around Athens), I know when I ovulated, and I know when I got my BFP. No question I should be measuring 7 weeks and seeing a heartbeat.

So 99% chance that I'm having a miscarriage now. It's probably early stages and will get worse before stopping. She said there's always a slim chance things will turn around, and she never calls a pregnancy over until it's really truly over. But seeing as how my dates are accurate, I truly doubt it (and seems like she does too). 

We talked about TTC in general, and some other questions I had. She drew blood and I'll go in next week for a repeat scan.  She said to come back after 2 more cycles if I'm not pregnant so she can run some tests. And that's about it. 

I feel incredibly sad right now. I know that this means the embryo just wasn't viable, and that in reality even the fact that it took 5 months to get pregnant to begin with is not so bad.  But I want to still be pregnant! I want to have a baby in March, not in May or June or September. I want to tell my Mom next week and my family next month. I want to go on a babymoon in November. Even though we didn't make a lot of plans, we had tons of them in our head.  And now we just have to start all over. 

So sad.