How things are different

After my miscarriage, I wrote about how I was scared the next time I got pregnant, it wouldn't have the "bright and shiny" feeling that your first pregnancy has. I was right, and wrong in some ways.

This time around, I haven't downloaded any pregnancy apps or signed up for any websites (as I predicted in the previous post). I have no idea what size fruit my embryo resembles this week -- which quite possibly already makes me a bad mommy. And yes, I hold my breath every time I wipe, as I'm so scared of seeing some spotting.

There's a part of me that is clearly distancing myself from this pregnancy, just in case it ends in a loss again. No attachment --> no grief, right? If i don't know too much about what's going on inside -- whether or not there are ears, or limb buds, or a beating heart -- then it's not a real thing at all.

But there is a part of me that's incredibly hopeful. Although my symptoms are still mild, they are still way more present than last time. My test lines are still darkening (yes, I still POAS every few days, I can't help it).  It is quite possible that I might actually have a baby sometime next May.  Stop, turn around 3 times, and spit. I can't even think that way! Argh. See, even typing it out is stressful.

Appointment is on Tuesday morning. I just have to get through the rest of today at work (with my new iPhone waiting for me at home), the weekend (full of working in the AM, book club, and the Emmy's on Sunday night), and then a full day at work on Monday.  4 more sleeps. I started spotting at 7w2d last time, and the appointment is on 7w exactly, but I just keep thinking that if I can make it til Tuesday -- and see a heartbeat on the ultrasound -- then I can relax. Slightly.

Finally: Readers, I know you are out there! My stats keep going up. But no one is commenting! I forgot to sign up for ICLW this month (Jewish Holidays are really messing with me), but I know people are coming from somewhere. Please say "hi" when you can! I'd love to know what you think about everything.