Still Finding it Hard

So even at nearly 11 weeks, and able to find a heartbeat in under a minute on my home Doppler, I'm having a hard time getting excited about this pregnancy.  The happiness/optimism/excitement tends to come in spurts -- like yesterday when Mr. W and I took an afternoon walk and were watching some kids play on a playground nearby. He was asking how old a kid has to be to go in the sandbox, and was doing the calculations in his head to figure out how long it'll be before we are those parents. At times like that I do think to myself, "Wow, before it's summer again I'm going to have an actual baby of my own." And I get excited.

But a lot of the time, I'm still mourning the baby that will never be -- the one whom we would have met in March, not May. I'm mourning how far along I'd be in my pregnancy -- 19 weeks already! Almost halfway. I also sometimes mourn all the months when we had BFN's and what that could have been. Last night, some friends of ours came over and we ordered pizza/watched a movie. She is 39 weeks pregnant. They are the ones who started TTC the same month we did -- and got pregnant right away. The one who said her doc remarked that she must be "super fertile." I haven't seen her since July, when I was pregnant the first time. I was excited then and it was hard to hide it from her. Then I had the loss, and I couldn't stand to be around them. She's been trying to make plans with us for a while so I finally gave in, and it was fine. Mr. W had a hard time keeping his mouth closed so I'm sure when I do tell them, she'll say "I had a hunch." (He started telling them how I wouldn't let him ride his bike b/c it could affect sperm count, and they were talking about their childbirth class and he asked if we were going to do one.) Anyway, it was still more sad than happy being with them. I could be due next week, if I were "super fertile" like she was! Or do in the next couple months. Or on March 15th. Argh. Doesn't help that she's a super-cute pregnant person, with this awesome bump and not a trace of fat anywhere else on her body. (She is having a boy, which upholds that old wives' tale.)

But here's the thing -- I AM pregnant. And I'm due on 5/14/13. And that's a pretty exciting thing, right? And I will get to experience everything I'm supposed to experience. Just not when I thought I would -- but at the right time. Curly is growing, and moving, and doing everything that s/he's supposed to be doing. My body hasn't - yet - failed me this time around. I have no reason to think that it would, right? At some point, I will just start being a happy pregnant lady and stop being in mourning for the loss. I know it. I'm just not there yet.