Last month I thought I had a BFP (big fat positive) -- but it was on a cheap pregnancy test, past the time limit. So then I was obsessing, and thought every twinge I felt meant I was pregnant, and would POAS (pee on a stick) everyday -- until my period arrived. I was totally bummed, and so was Mr. W.
On to a new cycle and a new opportunity, though, right? I had been charting but decided not to this month. We are leaving for Europe in a few days and will be there for 17 days! So maybe we will get lucky on vacation.
It's only been 4 months, and I know it can take time for the body to adjust post OCP's. But it is frustrating. Mr. W asked why I didn't go off the OCP's earlier, since it can take awhile, and I responded that I didn't want to have to worry about anything around the wedding and/or honeymoon -- and I think in retrospect, I wouldn't have done anything different. Maybe I would have stopped them immediately after the honeymoon instead of a few weeks later, but at that point I decided to "finish the pack" that I had. No real reason. But I don't think a few weeks would have made a difference.
Meanwhile, although I've had a period each month since stopping them, I'm not sure my body was truly back to normal until maybe last month. I had light flows for a couple months. Then I had what was basically a 12 day period -- which I hoped was a good sign and meant my body was "cleaning out." But this last one was much heavier and more painful than the others -- more like I remember from pre-OCP's -- so I'm hoping that means that I'm back to baseline. So again, perhaps good luck in Europe!
The frustrating part comes from everyone around me. My friends who have 2 or 3 kids already. People younger than me who are pregnant. Not to mention the gazillion pregnant people I have to see walking around the hospital campus each day, and the newborns I see in the office. Sigh. And of course, people keep asking us when we are going to have kids. Like we can really control that, at the moment.
Somehow, on top of everything else, I've managed to discover the blogging world of people who have fertility problems (it was accidental but now I'm obsessed). I know I don't fall into that category, and I hope I never do! But now I'm completely immersed in this world of women who had trouble getting pregnant and/or staying pregnant. I'm not sure it's at all healthy for me to read those blogs everyday, but I'm eager to see how they are doing. I'm just hopeful I don't ever fit the terms of joining the community.
And finally, I realize that this blog is kind of weird. No one knows about it, and I like that I can be anonymous. But it's possible that one day I use this to record actual things about a pregnancy/baby and will want to share it with friends/family -- and in that case, I realize I may delete a lot of these older posts. But for now, it's a good place to just talk about what I'm feeling. Today, that means frustration, and stress, and sadness about not yet being knocked up.
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