I'm the worst type of blogger....

You know, the type who lets LIFE get in the way of BLOGGING. It's horrible!! It's been nearly two weeks since I posted anything, and those two weeks have been crazy busy. Not a good excuse, but the only one I have. I'll try to bring you up to speed.

1) Curly is doing great. My NT scan last week was great, other than this babe not cooperating at all and doing headstands rather than posing on his side for a good measurement. (The tech kept telling me to cough to get the babe to move -- um, lady, that won't work in someone who's been coughing non-stop for over a month. Sure 'nuff, when I'd cough, Curly wouldn't even flinch.) Measured a day ahead. Combined with my bloodwork, my risk for Down's is 1:8500 and for Trisomy 13/18 is < 1:10,000. I have the risks of a 20 year old! Too bad I don't have the body of a 20 year old to go along with that. Although we had great images during the scan, when the tech went to get one to print for us she got a HORRIBLE shot. Here is that awful pic, labeled so you don't think Curly has a hooked beak as a nose (and no, the head is not really bigger than the entire body. Again, horrible image!):

The following day we had my regularly scheduled OB appointment, where they did little other than test my pee, get a weight/blood pressure, and check for the heartbeat. Since I do that last one at home all the time, Mr. W wasn't terribly impressed and thought the whole thing was "boring." I told him he didn't have to come to all the appointments anymore unless he wanted to, so we'll see.

2) After the good NT scan, I started telling people at work and my family and friends. Very exciting! Still haven't spoken to some of my long-distance friends. I figure the news will spread slowly. I'm not planning on making any kind of FB announcement -- I HATE that crap from other people --  but I'm sure at some point I'll announce as an "aside," like "why didn't anyone tell me that maternity jeans are so comfortable?" (They are. the. most. comfortable. jeans. ever. Except for the falling down all the time part.)

3) Today I'm 14.1 weeks. Bump picture below. I'm only wearing maternity clothes (during the day) now -- I could probably still squeeze into a couple pairs of pants, but why be so uncomfortable? I'm loving leggings/tunics/uggs and might end up in that for quite a bit this winter. I definitely look more pregnant in maternity clothes, b/c I have the type where the band sits under the bump, emphasizing it. I had 35% off to Old Navy and 40% off at Gap recently, so I've totally stocked up! Should be good for a few months. :-) I wore maternity Spanx under a dress for a wedding last weekend, and I think they made me look even more pregnant -- held me in everywhere but the tummy. Good timing on the "coming out" part.

4) I'm not even less tired. In fact, I just wrote this post halfway through, then fell asleep on the couch. Seriously!! Isn't it supposed to get better in the 2nd trimester?!

5) We had a tour of a daycare today. I cannot believe those words. The waiting lists here are crazy, so I was told to sign up for a tour early (and my co-worker who is due in March couldn't get a tour til January, so somehow I lucked out). After the tour, she said I'm not really on a list until after the baby is born and to call back then, but to pay my $25 fee now. Really? Doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I feel like I'll be calling to check in February/March anyway. Also: crazy expensive!! We can't afford to stay in the city.

6) I have a lot more I've been planning to say. Maybe I will have time tomorrow. I'll try to not be the worst blogger ever in the world. Swear.

Liebster = Dearest

I have a whopping FOUR followers. Y'all, that shit is exciting! One of them, over at fromheretomotherhood, nominated me for my first award! So exciting. The "Liebster" (which means dearest in German) is for bloggers with <200 followers. I think I might win the award for fewers followers! But it's fun to be a part of this.

Since most of the bloggers I follow have also recently been nominated for this, I"m not going to specifically nominate anyone at the bottom. Instead, I'm going to post my 11 questions for you and hope you'll respond in the comments section. Would love to know a little bit more about my readers, whether you also blog or not!

Here goes:

1. What was the last good book you read?

I read TONS, and have many recommendations if anyone ever needs any. I've been on a YA kick lately -- after the Hunger Games trilogy, I devoured Matched/Crossed (the 3rd book comes out next week), the Uglies series, and most recently Divergent/Insurgent (no idea on when the 3rd comes out). What I love about all these books is that the brave protagonists are all teenage girls! Amazing. Other recent books I've loved: State of Wonder (my pick for this month's book club), Shadow of Night (sequel to Discover of Witches), and the newest Baldacci novel, Panther, was pretty fun. Also, for everyone still TTC, you should read Impatient Woman's Guide to Getting Pregnant, which I have a review on previously. 

2. What is the favorite city/country you have ever traveled to?

Tough one, I've been to so many amazing places. LOVE Costa Rica, where we went on our honeymoon this past January (and I had been 10 years previously with my mom & sister). Would go back Israel in a heartbeat -- our trip last summer, when we got engaged, was my 11th trip there, I think. Maybe more? I've had a lot of one-day trips to cities in Europe, on a cruise 5 years ago and again this May, and I'd go back to (in no particular order): Bruge, Paris, Amsterdam, Venice, Greek Isles, Istanbul. 

3. If there was one word you could choose out of the dictionary,  which one would you choose to best describe yourself?

HARD question! Stubborn, probably. I am stubborn when I want something -- like a scholarship to college, or a good med school or residency spot, or a good job. I'm stubborn when it comes to relationships -- insisting that others give if they are going to take. I was stubborn with TTC! I don't think it's always a bad thing. I'm definitely a Capricorn, but I think I can also be incredible flexible when need be, which is a really positive thing. 

4. What’s your biggest pet peeve?

I hate redundancies -- like saying "ATM (automated teller machine) Machine" or "MRN (medical record number) Number" -- totally drives me crazy. I also hate when Mr. W leaves dirty socks by the couch. 

5. What was the biggest lesson you learned so far while TTC?

Distraction can be a great thing. If I didn't have TV shows that I love, and a good book always available, and many trips planned, I would have gone crazy. Going to Disneyworld the day after my miscarriage was the best thing we could have done. You have to have other things to focus on or else you won't get through the day. 

6. Tell me something quirky about you?

I definitely have OCPD -- "obsessive compulsive personality disorder," which is different than OCD in that your compulsions don't take over your life. For instance, I used to HATE when the shampoo and conditioner bottles weren't even (I finally got over that one when I learned to only wash my thick, curly hair a couple times a week but to condition daily -- so now I buy a bigger conditioner bottle). My day planner in med school was organized with assignments that were color coded for each class. I've definitely gotten better about these quirks over the years, though. :-)

7. Who or what’s been your biggest influence throughout your life?

There are a couple, both dating back to my elementary school days. I had a principal and a teacher who were very influential in my life -- pushing me to my best academically and helping me as I struggled with religious issues. The principal passed away a few years ago, and I think about her quite frequently. The teacher is someone with whom I still have a very close relationship, as well as all her kids. They are like my little siblings. 

8. Do you have a bucket list? If so, what’s the most ridiculous thing  on it?

My dream in life is to be part of a Flash Mob. 

9. What do you do for a living?

I'm a pediatrician. It's gotten hard to give people parenting advice everyday without one of my own. 

10. How many kids would you like in total?

Actually a hard question for me right now. If you had asked me this when I was in college, I would have said 6! (Mr. W will still say 6, b/c he has 5 siblings and he thinks it's perfect). But I'll be 33 when Curly arrives, and I have no idea who it'll be TTC again after that. Plus the finances are going to be tough as long as both of us have lots of debt. I imagine at least 3, and I've always said it's better to have an even number so no one has to ride alone on roller coasters, but turns out Mr. W can't handle roller coasters very well (he gets motion sick) so that might be a moot point. 

11. If you won 50 million (which is the current jackpot amount of the lottery here) what are the first things you’d do with it? 

Pay off our debt. Buy a house. Put the rest in savings. And probably not work for a year after Curly arrives. 

OKAY -- here are my questions for all my readers. Please feel free to respond to all, some, or none. I'm tempted to answer all of these myself as well, b/c they are super fun. Maybe another post: 

1. Do you have a nickname? What is it and where did it come from?

2. What is your secret TV obsession? (we all have one, so out with it)

3. Do you have a favorite color? If so, how do you express it? 

4. Where would you go on your dream vacation? 

5. If you had a sudden day off, what would you do with it? 

6. If you could have ANY animal as a pet (exotic or domestic, even extinct): which one, and why? 

7. What's your LEAST favorite holiday, and why? 

8. What is the best present you've ever received?

9. What is the worst present you've ever received? 

10. What is your earliest memory?

11. Okay, having trouble coming up with an 11th question....how about "what's one thing that your friends IRL don't know about you?" 

Apologies and Followers and Sandy

I am a terrible blogger. I couldn't even keep up with ICLW last week -- I just get home from work SO FRIGGIN TIRED every day. Opening up the laptop to even look at other blogs and leaving comments just seems like too much work. Ugh! I keep waiting for the fatigue to get better, as I've read it's supposed to do, but it was definitely worse the last two weeks. Too exhausted to even want dinner most nights. It's sad.

Meanwhile, I figured out that although I follow a lot of blogs, no one *knows* that I'm following them b/c I do so under my regular gmail account, not this one. It's actually a pain in my butt, b/c I follow some people who I know IRL -- and don't want them to know about this account/blog -- but I want other bloggers in this world to know I exist and read them consistently. So I'm going to set myself up with two windows and start following a bunch of blogs under this account. Then I'll switch over my iPhone RSS app to this account, so I can keep updated on the go. For the people I follow IRL, I'll just check online with the other account. Painful and complicated, right?

And finally, a Sandy update. We are lucky enough to live in a neighborhood that wasn't terribly affected in NYC -- never lost power, water, or even cable! But the City has been crazy the past few days. I didn't have to work Monday or Tuesday (and happily spent the majority of that time on my couch), but I came in yesterday and it took me FOREVER to get here on a city bus. It was hot and crowded and I felt miserable -- I just kept wishing I actually looked pregnant so someone would offer me a seat (not that people always do that, but sometimes). It took me an hour both ways, standing in really awkward positions and boiling hot both times. At least today it was easier, got a seat on the bus in the AM and took me *less* time than usual to get to work b/c there wasn't even any school traffic!

The worst part -- being completely selfish here -- is that my NT scan that was supposed to be on Tuesday got cancelled. And they couldn't rebook me until next Monday. I have been waiting for that before I start announcing and it's totally killing me to wait another week! Good thing I didn't plan on a big Halloween reveal, like some other people due in May on the FF pages. It also means that I have that on Monday and my OB appt on Tuesday -- and originally the plan was to space them out so I could have more "reassurance." But Tuesday's appointment is with the OB that I love, and she'll be gone the week after, so I'd rather just keep the appointment. I am using my Doppler basically every day, so I know Curly's heart is still ticking, at least. Right at 160 beats/minute. :-)

I'm just ready to be done with the first trimester! I've read varying opinions on if the 2nd trimster starts at the beginning of 12 weeks, 13 weeks, or even 14 weeks -- so I'm going with lucky 13, which will be on Tuesday. I am beyond thrilled to have made it to 12 weeks with no issues and a strong heartbeat, but I will be much more thrilled when everyone else knows. It is SO hard to be at work sometimes -- yesterday I had to "smile and nod" my way through discussions on why maternity pants are the best (as I stood there with my pants buttoned through a rubber band), why certain OB's are great (including mine), and then had to try to explain away the fact that I haven't taken anything stronger for my persistent cough (going on 4 weeks). So difficult! Argh.

Okay, going to go deal with the whole mayhem of following/followers. Some of you are going to notice a new follower today but realize I've been following you for a long time!

ETA: Yikes, so turns out that when I "subscribe" on my RSS, it doesn't show up that I'm a follower (I tested this by subscribing to myself). I think I might have to go through all my blogs one-by-one and "follow" from the sites, instead of adding through my reader. What a pain in the ass! Will have to do it another time when I have a free hour....which might be a month from now. Oops.

My Brain is Whack

Seriously. Some of the things that go through this brain are totally crazy. Here is a sampling, from this week, in no particular order:

-- How are we going to get the baby home from the hospital? I am not sure 7 months is enough time to figure this out. We don't have a car, it's too far to walk (35 min walk home from the hospital on a good day), and not going to take public transportation. Putting a carseat into a cab is never completely safe. Maybe a zipcar? But then Mr. W will have to figure out how to install the carseat base before driving it back to the hospital. SERIOUSLY -- WHY AM I WONDERING THIS NOW??

-- Which well-baby nurse will I get to care for my babe? I really like some of them, and I really hate some of them. It's enough of an issue that I think about requesting a certain floor post-partum. But then it also depends on the day of the week. AGAIN -- why the hell is this bothering me now?

-- Am I eating healthy enough? Probably not. I went all weekend with no vegetables. Had a salad on Monday. No veggies yesterday or today. That's awful, right? I'm not nauseous anymore, but typically only carbs (or chocolate) sound appealing. I should force myself to eat healthier. Maybe some V8 in the mornings?

-- Am I harming my unborn child by drinking diet soda? Artificial sweetener is something that a lot of people avoid. But I have a soda (diet and decaf) nearly every day. Sometimes more than one. It gets me through the day without the need of caffeine. So which is worse?

-- Can I overdo it with the Doppler? My doc seemed to imply that a couple times a week was fine. But I've used it everyday this week. It's HARD to get through the days without that reassurance.

-- Will we be able to afford to stay in NYC another year, as I'd really like to do? Childcare is crazy expensive, and I don't make enough at my job (another story for another day). Mr. W is self-employed and there's no guarantee of income on a regular basis. We both have debts we are paying off. I guess I could always defer my loans for a year of financial hardship, but it's a tough decision. Mr. W would like to move but I actually like my job most days (and love the people I work with), and I'm not ready to give that up.

-- Why the hell is Shondra Rhimes such an idiot? I've watched "Grey's Anatomy" and "Private Practice" for years and years. Typically I don't let the medical inaccuracies bother me that much (with a few exceptions). *PP SPOILER ALERT*  It's bad enough that she let the woman who has never wanted kids get pregnant, with TRIPLETS, while on an IUD. The odds of that happening are 19 gazillion to 1. But then on last night's episode, she showed a woman who had her 4th miscarriage -- and one doctor (the ob/gyn) was trying to convince the other doctor (the RE) that it was time to push her toward "alternatives," that it was too much to put one woman through.  First of all, I had a hard time with the depiction of the loss (after 12 weeks, when they "finally told everyone"). Excuse me while I cry. But then to talk about trying to tell her to stop? I do not count myself as lucky for having had a miscarriage, but I guess I'm lucky that it was only 1 and that we got pregnant again so fast. This storyline just hurt me so much. What would I do if I had 4 losses? Would I keep trying? They didn't discuss there being any cause for her losses, so I guess it would certainly depend on that. It just made me mad!

-- I am so glad I don't live in East London during the 1950's. I've started watching "Call the Midwife," a BBC show that is on PBS here in the US. It's very interesting, but also makes me very sad. *Again, spoiler alert* Last week there was a prostitute who was pregnant, and they found a safe place for her until she delivered. Then they took her baby away without permission b/c she was only 15! This week a woman lost her baby and then died herself at 26 weeks from toxemia (eclampsia). I cry, and blame it on hormones. It would probably be healthier if I didn't watch it.

-- How will people respond when I tell them about the pregnancy? How many people will say "I knew it!" Should I tell people after the NT scan next week, or wait til my 13 week appt/start of 2nd trimester?

-- There was a recent study that showed that babies born to moms who had bad morning sickness had higher IQ's. So does the fact that I had very mild nausea only mean I'm going to have a stupid kid?

-- When should I start playing music to my belly? Should I buy special headphones for this?

Okay, I think that's enough for now. I'm sure there is a lot more crazy hidden in my brain, but it was cathartic to write it all out. Kinda like when little kids "shake the wiggles out" -- I feel like I just did that with my head. :-)

I'm a slacker

So here's the problem: If possible, I think my fatigue has gotten WORSE the past week or so! It's crazy. The cough I've had for 3.5 weeks isn't helping any. So I had this entire post planned yesterday, and fell asleep on my couch instead. Which means today you get two posts.

Here are just some pictures of my pudge. For comparison is the pic I took at 4 weeks with the miscarriage, so I'm using it as my reference. I had gained a few pounds that month, then lost about 5 before the 2nd BFP, so it was probably about the same. I think the fact that I haven't taken any "bump" pictures or done any kind of "bumpdates" is a sign of how much harder it is to get excited this time around. But I know if I *don't* do it, I'll regret it later on.

Okay, so now that we've set that up: the next 2 pics are from the first day I wore maternity pants (which kept falling down), in the AM on 9w6d:

Then here is exactly a week later, where I'm wearing a maternity tunic & regular leggings. Again, pic taken in the AM.

And finally, here is a bump picture, in the same pants as the original one. I'll try to use the same pants each week from now on. Not sure about showing skin, but the little pooch is definitely more noticeable if I put the pants below it. But you still get the idea. I think you can also tell my boobs are bigger than the original pic. This was taken after work. I look biggest right before bed (after dinner).

Getting dressed in the mornings has become a real trial. The maternity pants don't want to stay up. Regular pants won't button (I have a couple that will close with the rubber band as the button, but not many anymore. The jeans I bought a size-up post-miscarriage still fit, but are snug). Anything that I do in the AM feels awful by lunchtime. The leggings the other day were great, but I don't have enough tops I can wear with leggings so my options are limited. My mom just spent a shitload of $$ at the Motherhood outlet, and I should be getting that soon. It'll just be a lot easier when I go public with the news and don't feel the need to hide the pooch!

Curly

I haven't mentioned why we are calling the fetus "Curly." When I told my sister the news, she asked if she could pick the name. Um, nope! But I said she could pick the nickname.  She was naming some options one afternoon and I misheard her and thought she said "Curly." I said that was pretty funny, and her response was that it would be easier once we knew if it was a boy or girl. I said "well, we won't be finding that out until it arrives, but one thing we know for sure -- this child will have curly hair." (Mr. W and I both have heads full of thick curls, and on one of our first dates I mentioned that our children "would be doomed." He cracked up.)

So here you go: Curly (you see the "crosshairs" at the top/bottom, which was measuring CRL = crown-rump length. That gives an estimate of age. The official report on the bottom of the pic was 9.1 +/- 3d, and I should have been 9w3d. But you can see she didn't get the crosshairs directly on the top of the head, so I think it's a wash.)

Still Finding it Hard

So even at nearly 11 weeks, and able to find a heartbeat in under a minute on my home Doppler, I'm having a hard time getting excited about this pregnancy.  The happiness/optimism/excitement tends to come in spurts -- like yesterday when Mr. W and I took an afternoon walk and were watching some kids play on a playground nearby. He was asking how old a kid has to be to go in the sandbox, and was doing the calculations in his head to figure out how long it'll be before we are those parents. At times like that I do think to myself, "Wow, before it's summer again I'm going to have an actual baby of my own." And I get excited.

But a lot of the time, I'm still mourning the baby that will never be -- the one whom we would have met in March, not May. I'm mourning how far along I'd be in my pregnancy -- 19 weeks already! Almost halfway. I also sometimes mourn all the months when we had BFN's and what that could have been. Last night, some friends of ours came over and we ordered pizza/watched a movie. She is 39 weeks pregnant. They are the ones who started TTC the same month we did -- and got pregnant right away. The one who said her doc remarked that she must be "super fertile." I haven't seen her since July, when I was pregnant the first time. I was excited then and it was hard to hide it from her. Then I had the loss, and I couldn't stand to be around them. She's been trying to make plans with us for a while so I finally gave in, and it was fine. Mr. W had a hard time keeping his mouth closed so I'm sure when I do tell them, she'll say "I had a hunch." (He started telling them how I wouldn't let him ride his bike b/c it could affect sperm count, and they were talking about their childbirth class and he asked if we were going to do one.) Anyway, it was still more sad than happy being with them. I could be due next week, if I were "super fertile" like she was! Or do in the next couple months. Or on March 15th. Argh. Doesn't help that she's a super-cute pregnant person, with this awesome bump and not a trace of fat anywhere else on her body. (She is having a boy, which upholds that old wives' tale.)

But here's the thing -- I AM pregnant. And I'm due on 5/14/13. And that's a pretty exciting thing, right? And I will get to experience everything I'm supposed to experience. Just not when I thought I would -- but at the right time. Curly is growing, and moving, and doing everything that s/he's supposed to be doing. My body hasn't - yet - failed me this time around. I have no reason to think that it would, right? At some point, I will just start being a happy pregnant lady and stop being in mourning for the loss. I know it. I'm just not there yet.